Job prospects of a ridiculous politician

OPINION: What to do with the wretched Chris Carter? writes Stephen Braunias in this week's May Contain Facts.

His shabby little betrayal of Labour leader Phil Goff this week has established the MP for Te Atatu as New Zealand's most ridiculous politician, and left with him absolutely zero prospect of standing for Labour at the next election.

He now has to entertain the radical notion of life outside politics. Carter was first elected into office in 1993. How will he cope without the familiar institution of Parliament? What will he do for a living? Is he equipped to make a living? Is he aware of the concept of an honest day's work? Is he aware of the concept of honesty?

May Contain Facts asked employment consultant Jumbo Trudgeon to consider Carter's chances in the workplace.

"On the surface, it doesn't look great," Trudgeon said. "We're talking about a 58-year-old man who is going to lose his job after 17 years in the civil service, and I don't think we can count on his boss giving him a glowing reference.

"It's unlikely that he'll interview well. You can see him whining to a prospective employer.

"But he's not completely hopeless. Well, I mean, he is completely hopeless, that's obvious, but that doesn't mean he couldn't find active employment. Possibly." Trudgeon said there were several careers Carter could pursue.

Fitness instructor. Trudgeon said he was impressed with Carter's display of fitness, stamina and agility in his famous escape down stairwells and along corridors when chased by the press gallery earlier this year. He thought Carter could build on that experience by packaging it as an exercise programme in high-rise offices and apartments.

"Leaping down stairs, bounding through hallways, charging through fire escape doors, vaulting over the photocopy machine – it could be the next big thing in personal fitness."

How likely did he think it might be the next big thing? "Not very likely."

Tour guide. Trudgeon pointed to the fact that Leighton Smith, Bill Ralston and Brian Edwards have all found gainful work as tour guides to international travel parties.

"Chris is a kind of celebrity, too," said Trudgeon, "and he certainly knows his way around the world, and how to have a good time while he's there."

When asked who Carter would attract, he said, "Well, despite his recent aberrant behaviour, it's possible that Labour faithful would flock around Chris in his role as tour guide to somewhere like Tibet." How possible did he think that was? "Just this side of impossible."

Author. Trudgeon said that Carter's letter to the press gallery this week revealed "an imaginative flair". What did he mean by that? "He makes things up."

He also admired Carter's attempts at secrecy and concealment. "Okay, it wasn't a very good attempt, but at least he tried. I think he has a playful mind, possibly even a cracked mind. That can be an advantage. With a bit of effort, Chris could sit down and perhaps write a taut political thriller that might just sell its socks off."

Trudgeon had just used the words "could", "perhaps", and "might"; was he prepared to commit to Carter's future as a novelist? "Um – no. No, I'm not."

Village idiot. How was that even a job? "It's the way most of us see our local mayor," Trudgeon explained. He thought it wasn't too late for Carter to make a bid for the mayoralty of Auckland Super City. "He's probably got a better chance than another candidate, Simon Prast, who admitted to smoking P." He added that just about anybody had a better chance.

Mailman. Trudgeon was adamant this represented Carter's best hope of a job outside Parliament – or even inside Parliament. "Let's remember that Chris hand-delivered his letter to the mailroom. Wrote out the envelopes, and everything. They got to where he wanted them to get to and I don't think there's a better definition of a mailman than that."

But Carter is a former cabinet minister. How would he cope with the drop in status, income, and perks? "Admirably. You'd be surprised. He's got a lot of dignity, you know." Really? "Oh for pity's sake," he said. "Leave him alone. He's a complete wretch."

» Stephen Braunias is an award-winning writer, author of four books and a Sunday-Star Times columnist.

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