Foreign language

The younger generation thinks us oldies are aliens – that's the clear message from Southland schools speech winners this week, writes Gerry Forde in this week's Southlander.

Junior winner Meredith Guise has an Irish granddad who definitely speaks an alien language.

"Now that strange-looking thing would be a wigwam for a goose's bridle to wind the sun up when the moon goes down."

"Actually granddad, it's an iPod."

"Ah, you've got enough cheek for two sets of teeth young lady."

"What are you saying about the size of cheeks?"

"Now don't get on your high horse or there'll be two ears on the one side of your head."

"Ay?"

"Back in my day our parents would have torn off our hind leg and beaten us over the head with it."

Then while she's working out that we don't have hind legs, her granddad is winking at her and saying: "Your blood's worth bottling my dear and I'll bet that it's my favourite colour – sky-blue scarlet, the shade of a moose's blow-off".

Senior speech winner Clementine Flatley reckons our generation are techno phobic.

"My dad showed me the CDs they played back in his day – they're as big as dinner plates." Imagine the size of the Walkman to play that, and how would you get it on a plane or carry it up the street? Of course he loves the convenient new iPod and is always getting her to record songs on to the system that he can never work.

And even if he could, he's probably like me and can't get the ear pieces to stay in his thick ears.

(He must have been a naughty boy in his day.) Her mum was no better.

She was getting frustrated trying to change channels, pushing every button on the remote.

"It should be working because I can hear it clicking but it's just not changing channel." Exasperated she handed the remote over to her daughter, who took one look at the problem and said: "Doesn't matter what button you push, this will never change the TV channel – it's the heat pump remote".

Still, life is not all dull on the alien planet of old age; witness the phrase Meredith's granddad uses when there's an exciting outing ahead: "Right. We's off. On a racing Caramello bar, singing desert songs."

- © Fairfax NZ News