The GC: New breasts, old dilemma
I didn't see the first season of The GC because I had better things to do.
Like wax my chest, get half a dozen root canals and play with the dog poop that was sitting on the path outside my house.
But I thought I'd better give this choice reality show (TV3, Mondays, 8pm) a chance to impress - I heard it was as good, or even better than The Ridges so how could I resist?
Thankfully, I caught up on what's happened since last year in a two-minute introduction to the new season that actually left me even more confused.
The one thing I did get clearly was they've moved into a new house and are going to host a party, presumably just for the cameras.
As the boys discuss just how many sausages have fallen on the floor we get the devastating news that Tame and Jade Louise have split up.
Was it due to a discussion on how they were too young to settle down? Or perhaps they had to deal with the existential dilemma of enjoying themselves too much while there's so much poverty in the world?
Ah, nope. It's because Tame couldn't keep little Tame in his pants. Phew.
If that wasn't too much to bear we then find out Jade and Jess are no longer together either. But that appears to be because Jess was some kind of witch with evil powers - apparently she brought out the worst in him.
Of course it wasn't his fault. The women are just there to bring down the men. How could it be anything else in this patriarchal society of ours?
But never mind. Apparently Rosie is now brunette. And has had a boob job. So she's practically a whole new person in the eyes of these young men.
Jade Louise's version of her split with Tame was then discussed with Alby. Apparently she found her man in a toilet cubicle with another lady on her knees.
I'm guessing she must have lost a contact lens or perhaps dropped her keys - but that doesn't explain why Jade Louise wanted to punch her.
Now it's time to move on to bigger and better things.
Kiwi Rize is the topless waiting company that Tame part-owns and so we're treated to the tryouts as they look for more waiters to join their stable.
I'm not sure what the guy with the guitar - who refused to take off his top - thought he was auditioning for, but he must have been disappointed it wasn't Simon Cowell behind the table instead of Tame.
Thankfully Nate and Brooke are going to help with the money situation by moving into the house and helping with the rent - just more characters to add to an already stellar cast, yay!
I'm not a betting man, but given the way Brooke talks about things I'm willing to place a large sum of money on them not being together for too long.
We don't have time to ponder this for too long, though - we cut back to Jade with his paws all over two women just seconds after we hear about how he really likes "Tee", which just further decreases my already low opinion of him.
His intended even texts him asking him to go to another club. Except it's the only text message from "Tee" on the phone - so either he deletes every text she sends him (like no-one ever) or it was a setup for the cameras. I'll leave it for you to decide.
Oh, and there's Nate getting drunk and making an idiot of himself - and Brooke's annoyed so she wants to smack him. Wow, that took way less than time I was expecting.
And that's it, over for this week. Thank God. Now I never have to cheapen my television by watching another one. Because it's trash.
This is as accurate a portrayal of Maori culture as a McDonald's burger is of a high quality meat-based product in a bun.
It's not offensive because it's about Maori or stars Maori. Maori Television offers some of the very best current affairs shows in
New Zealand if you're prepared to watch.
It's offensive because it's mindless, ridiculous and is likely to give those who seek to demean Maori even more ammunition.
Someone will have to explain what's entertaining about watching young people make the kind of mistakes a lot of us did when we were young but having done it in a way which won't be forgotten about for a very long time.
I hope these young people come to their senses and season two is the last. They need to get on with their lives without the added drama of living it in front of hundreds of thousands of people.
Watch if you must. Don't pretend it's anything other than car crash television at its very worst. Thanks TV3. Thanks for nothing.