A guide to the biggest turn-offs for men

CLEMENTINE FORD
Last updated 11:10 06/05/2014
J-Law
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NOT SO PERFECT: Don't make the same mistakes as Jennifer "Jenny" Lawrence, cautions Esquire writer Ned Hepburn.

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It's a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in possession of numerous challenging personality traits MUST be in want of an opinionated outsider to comment on them.

And so it was with this 'satirical' piece in Esquire, in which writer Ned Hepburn uses a penis dipped in ink to chastise Jennifer 'Jenny' Lawrence for being a drunk.

As I read Hepburn's finger wagging, tongue clucking entreaty for Lawrence to be more pragmatic about how, when and how much she sucks on the old goon bag, I thought to myself, "Self - are there other things we women do that need to be kept in check by neggers who use the phrase, 'You're lucky you're a total stone-cold fox with a face like a million dollars and a better rack than a master carpenter'?"

The answer that floated to me across the ether was a resounding 'you bet your sweet bippy!'

In solidarity with my equally led astray sisters, I have written this handy list of reminders of the things we best avoid if we don't want our patriarchal approval ratings to drop faster than you can say, 'Are we really still here?'

1. Drinking

As Hepburn was kind enough to point out, 'baby girls' like J-Law have careers and reputations to think about.

Getting on the demon drink is all very well and good as long as you keep it contained. No one likes a Sloppy Sally, especially not boys who write articles about how drinking too much makes otherwise hot chicks look cheap and nasty.

But it's tricky, because science* also tells us that men like the kind of cheeky dames who can drink neat whiskey, allude to a rude joke and do it all whilst wearing no make up.

What to do? The secret is in the subterfuge. Fix yourself up with a hip flask (preferably one that you can attach to your thigh) and insist on drinking only from that. What they won't know is that your smoky looking whiskey is actually just plain old apple juice - because 'baby girls' need to keep up their vitamin C intake.

*not science

2. Swearing

Picture it. A beautiful woman walks into 'the club' and causes everyone's pulse to race, even the ladies (which is sexual, because one good thing that women NEVER have to stop doing is entertaining the idea of lesbian sex while an appreciative male audience looks on).

If it were a Looney Tunes cartoon, your eyes would have burst from their sockets, and your tongue would have rolled out of your mouth and along the floor like a red carpet to her feet.

But then she opens her mouth to let out a long string of expletives. Truly, you've never heard anything like it before.

There are words in there that would make the Marquis de Sade blush. And boy, is it a turn off!

Granted, she was reacting to the guy who grabbed her arse (ooh, a swear!) as he walked past, but still. Potty mouthed ladies are just worse somehow, don't you agree?

Ladies should be ladies, not sailors. Because the Defence Force is for men.

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3. Catfight!

Feminists love to bang on about the myth of the privileged patriarchy and how it encourages the oppression of women, but frankly, I think we all know that's balderdash.

Because everyone knows that the biggest threat to women are OTHER WOMEN. Nary a day can go by without us tearing each other to shreds, complaining about how awful we all are and generally sniping at one another to issue a coded message to the men around us that we're really on their side, not our own.

No doubt about it, it's definitely women that are responsible for the gender pay gap, the alarming rate of male violence against women, the structural problems that make it extremely difficult for women to have children while retaining their position in the workforce. And it's like, just get over it ladies, you know?

Men don't have those kinds of problems. If they're in a snitch with each other, they just sort it out with a punch up and then have a beer and cry over the football.

Women are bitches, man.

4. Not taking care of yourself

Remember how that Hollywood celebrity got really fat (like, so fat that she went to a red carpet event and no one knew whether or not she had suddenly become obese or was just maybe two months pregnant) and all the magazines were really worried about her health and well-being and they showed that by publishing lots of badly angled photographs and interviewing various 'close sources' who confirmed that said star was 'out of control' and 'desperately sad'?

But then she suddenly got really skinny, and people discussed how 'gross' she was on Twitter and comment threads urged her to 'eat a sandwich' while reminding her that men didn't like bags of bones, they liked women with a bit of meat on them (but not too much meat, not the 'let herself go' amount)?

And then she achieved a Healthy Weight and everyone rejoiced, but as she still wasn't married by the time she turned 34 people became like, really worried and also a little bit scared.

So they rounded up their pitchforks and chased her, screaming 'Fatty Patty!' every time one of her thighs wobbled and then 'Skinny Minny!' when the sun moved far enough across the sky to hide her shadow and then finally just 'FREAK! FREAK! FREAK!' as their frenzy pushed her closer and closer to the edge of a cliff and then she fell off and died?

Just ... let that be a warning to you, ladies.

5. Feminism

Ugh. Didn't you hear we're all equal now?

- Daily Life

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