A curse upon thee

Last updated 13:33 29/07/2014

While I am not myself a driver, I've come to think of the Silver Fox's 4WD as "our" car. It's the vehicle that conveyed us around the South Island on holiday. It's the car in which we brought the baby home from the hospital. It's not fancy or particularly clean, but it works and gets us all where we need to go.

At the weekend someone stole it. The SF returned to where he'd parked it only to find a patch of broken glass. He got the bus home.

If you've ever had your car stolen then you'll know how upsetting this can be, not to mention bloody inconvenient. And of course there's a certain level of antipathy that you feel towards the bottomfeeder who thought it was a great idea to take something that didn't belong to them.

When I told social media about this, naturally people expressed solidarity and some let forth with some choice curses upon the "perp", such as "May their houses be cursed with upset stomachs and police officers" and wishes for various kinds of pox.

This got me to thinking - what kind of curse would I wish upon the miscreant who stole our car? Something non-lethal, surely. The punishment should fit the crime, after all. But being that I'm a bit of a soft lefty lliberal, I had to admit that anyone who goes about nicking cars probably already has a life that's significantly lacking in several ways already. I should probably feel sorry for them. I mean, I don't but I probably should.

For this reason the following curses are malevolent but not extremely so.

CURSES FOR THE PERSON WHO STOLE OUR CAR

- May you always choose the sour, slightly "off" piece of fruit

- May your daughters be One Directioners

- May that weird squeaking noise that the dashboard makes when you get up to 50 be as needles in your ears

- May you always get red lights o the one way system

- May you always have at least one hangnail that catches on EVERYTHING

- May your breath smell as the inside of your belly button

- May the seals on your freezer go and leave your hokey pokey full of ice

- May your bowel movements be infrequent, strenuous and uncomfortable

- May your home be plagued by door-knocking Mormons and 3am phone calls from "Microsoft" representatives

- May you be brought to the brink of madness by a Blue Eiffel 65 earworm

- When you do a Facebook quiz to see which Star Wars character you are may you always get "Jar Jar Binks"

So those are just my thoughts. I reckon suffering any of the above would make life just a but suckier than it was, which seems fitting. Any curses of your own? Any recommendations for reasonably priced secondhand 4WD vehicles with reasonable fuel efficiency and a decent safety rating?

Comments

Special offers

Featured Promotions

Sponsored Content