Meditate, touch, and eye gaze for mind-blowing sex - tantra coach

Last updated 13:43 11/01/2017

Forget the orgasm and focus on giving pleasure, says tantra coach.

Nabeel Khan
Caitlyn Cook, of the Sexy Love Project, is in Wellington to run Tantra workshops.
English singer Sting is a fan of Tantra sex.

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Forget the orgasm and focus on breathing, touching, and giving and receiving pleasure, says Kiwi tantra coach Caitlyn Cook.

Aged 28, Cook is part of a new tantra movement, as younger women like her take over a philosophy that was previously associated with hippies. Running workshops, if Cook had her way, tantra would become as mainstream as yoga.

* Could you go tantric?
* What's so great about sex?
* Sting's tantric sex truth

The fine arts graduate likes hanging out with her cats, sunbathing, riding her bike, and spending time with her friends in Melbourne. Born in South Africa, she spent her childhood and young adult years in New Zealand, where she discovered a tantra workshop six years ago when at a low point in her life.

She doesn't like talking about her own sex life, other than to say that tantra, and its philosophy on being present, and forging deep connections, has helped empower her in every way.

Cook uses terms like "bringing mindfulness to sexuality", saying that through her workshops, "people can have connections with themselves and others that are delicious, nourishing and spicy".

"It sounds like I'm describing a green curry, but I'm actually describing powerful self-love, great sex, deep connection, resilient mental and emotional health, vibrant mojo, radical embodiment, confidence, play and ease. It includes sexuality, but it's more than just 'sex' - it's about being your truest, most confident, and pleasurable you."

Her touch workshops are PG-approved, where fully-clothed participants are guided through a series of workshops that start with meditation and breathing, learning to be present, and touching from the hands to the elbows. "It's about breathing at the most basic level, and experiencing heightened sensations and emotions. We need  to find new ways to relax the body, relate to others and relate to the world."

Her workshop is described as "How to Have Good Sex 101. Wait, make that How to Have a Good Life 101. We connect with our genuine desire: do we really want X? Y? Z? We learn tools to easily say yes to the stuff we want and no to the stuff we don't want. Then we practice in pairs. (No physical touch in this one, just vocal communication)."

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She also works as a personal coach with couples, teaching them how to ramp up their sex lives through tantra. But Cook's tantra is not about achieving mind-blowing orgasms necessarily, although that's great if couples do. "It's about teeny-tiny orgasms, or building up orgasmic pleasure."

"You need to warm up the whole body, the knees, neck, hands and lips, rather than just focussing on the genitals."

"There is a lot of focus on orgasm and getting there as fast as possible. Women want to feel they are doing it right, and sometimes there is shame around women taking longer to get there. A lot of people spend a lot of time thinking they 'should' do something or feel something, and the result is that the body freezes. It's wonderful to get in touch with authentic desire. That feels empowering and it's where the magic happens." 

In 1990, English singer Sting mentioned he enjoyed seven-hour tantric sex sessions - a point he is repeatedly asked about when interviewed by journalists.

He recently told the Daily Mail: "The idea of tantric sex is a spiritual act. I don't know any purer and better way of expressing a love for another individual than sharing that wonderful, I call it, 'sacrament.' I would stand by it. Not seven hours, but the idea."


1. Meditate for at least 10 minutes through a series of moving meditation exercises to get out of your head and become fully immersed in your body.

2. Gaze into your partner's eyes.

3. Touch yourself or your partner. Feel each other's bodies - their hair, skin, sweat and creases. Explore the whole body, starting with the hands and arms to the elbows, not just the genitals.

4. Move into further touching, and ask your partner how it could feel better.

5. Focus on breathing, sound and movement. Feel the pleasure of the energy around you.

6. Focus on building pleasure, rather than on a total, mind-blowing orgasm.

Find out more about Cook's workshops at

- Stuff


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