Advice: Why won't he propose?

Last updated 09:18 17/04/2014

She's been with him for eight years and wants to get married ... should she wait for him to ask? 

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Help,

How do I tell my my boyfriend of seven-eight years that if he doesn't want to get engaged/married soon I want out. I think the problem is that he is younger then me: I'm 29, he's 26.

He talks about how much he loves me - we're soulmates etc, but often his actions are conflicting. It makes me wonder if he is really that into me?  

A-year-and-a-half ago I broke up with him because of the way he was treating me. I really thought it would be permanent, but after a few months he kept begging to get back together and made it seem like he had realised what he'd lost and was willing to commit and take the next step.

How do I gently bring up that I'm sick of waiting and don't want to waste more time if he doesn't want to get married soon? I also don't want it to be pressured - he should ask because he wants to not because I say 'lets get engaged/married or I'm leaving'

Thanks,

Confused. 

Hi there, thanks for your letter.  

It sounds like you have some clear goals for your life and one of them is to be in a committed relationship, and for you that is marriage? 

I guess being pursued by your partner when you split up invited you to believe that he wanted what you wanted.

How has your relationship been since getting back together? There is a lot to be said about the way someone behaves - I'm sure you will have heard that the old adage 'actions speak louder than words'. That really is true and that's where the rubber meets the road. 

If his actions don't line up with what he says what does that say to you?  There really is no easy way to raise the subject - have you tried? 

My suggestion would be that you talk about what is important to you and how much you love him (if you do of course). Ask him how he views the future, let him know what you are wanting and see if you are both on the same page. 

You may want to talk about a timeframe. I think that you need to be very clear about your expectations, only then can you make an informed decision about your future. 

At the end of the day couples break up because they want different things and commitment can mean different things to different people. He may not feel that marriage is necessary, especially if you are living together as he may feel committed to you.  It will be good to talk about what commitment means for you both.  

All the best with your conversation, 

Louise

For more advice and information on counselling, visit Relationships Aotearoa online or join them on Facebook.

We'd love to hear your take on this week's issue. Before you comment below, though, remember that this is a real-life situation. This reader has bravely shared their personal life with you; please show them respect by refraining from hurtful or abusive comments.

- Stuff

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