The Secret Diary Of ...

'Can you pass the sugar, sugar?'

Last updated 12:08 07/06/2012
Jaime and Sally Ridge
Fairfax NZ
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER: Mumma says, "I love your dress. So vibrant!"

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OPINION: Stephen Braunias checks out the diary of Jaime Ridge in May Contain Facts.

MONDAY
Mumma says, "Can you pass the sugar, sugar?"

I say, "But you're already so sweet! LOL!"

She throws her head back and laughs, "Bwaa-ha-ha-ha!"

And then I stir my tea slowly and pensively. I have a faraway look in my eyes.

What am I thinking about? The love of my life, Sonny Bono, or whatever his name was? He sent so many beautiful texts. I've kept both of them. He wrote, "Your so good 4 me me me." He also wrote, "Yo noog, wassup?" But that was sent to me by mistake. He said he'd meant to send it to someone called Cory Jane. I'd like to scratch her eyes out.

Mumma says, "I love you, princess."

I say, "I love you, too."

I forget what I was thinking about. Maybe I wasn't thinking about anything.

Mumma says, "Can you pass the sugar, sugar?"

The director says, "Cut."

TUESDAY
We reshoot yesterday's scene with different lines, different expressions and different clothes.

The director also chooses a different location.

Instead of meeting for coffee on an outside table at SPQR on Ponsonby Rd, where all the beautiful people walk past, but so do quite a few ugly ones, ruining everything for everyone, we meet for cocktails in a jacuzzi on the back of a bright red fire engine as it blasts its hooter and speeds down Queen St.

The thing I love most about reality TV is the reality.

WEDNESDAY
Had the most amazing tuna salad at SPQR last night.

Valet parking is the best thing ever! Makes life so easy.

Early morning shopping at Nike. Loving my new training outfit! Shopping and a massage with Mumma.

Where can I get an iPhone cover with bunny ears in Auckland? I really want a white Harley.

I have gone blonde. Well, blonder. Bold move! I think it's sad we can't just appreciate we're all different and celebrate one another's talents and achievements.

My gangster beats definitely make the long drive home in traffic far more pleasant.

Japanese with my brother. Love stealing him from boarding school.

Essay almost finished. I'm brain dead.

THURSDAY
The director tucks the ends of his scarf inside his cashmere jersey.

"Nothing ever happens," he says. "All you two ever do is shop, go to SPQR, and get someone to park the car."

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Mumma says, "We went to Colin Mathura-Jeffree's birthday party!"

He holds his head in his hands. "That was weeks ago."

Mumma says, "But he might have another one soon!"

He tucks his head inside his cashmere jersey.

I say, "I'm going to stage an exhibition boxing match with Rosanna from The GC." His head pops out.

I say, "Rosanna insists on boxing in a bikini." He weeps.

I say, "The fight night is sponsored by KFC."

He falls at my feet and dies of happiness.

FRIDAY
Had the most amazing tuna salad at SPQR last night. Went to the director's funeral this morning.

Mumma says, "I love your dress. So vibrant!"

I say, "And I love yours. Is that colour apricot?"

We hold hands while they lower the body into a very shallow grave. I have a faraway look behind my Karen Walker sunglasses. Am I feeling grief? Am I feeling anything?

"Jaime," says the new director's voice in my earpiece, "could you stop chewing gum with your mouth open?"

I throw a single rose onto the casket. Mumma throws a cup of coffee from SPQR. It smashes.

A cloud moves across the sun, and a dark shadow descends on the casket like a stain. A chill wind picks up, and plucks at the last leaves of autumn. The trees are as bare and smooth as bones. The earth is cold.

Mumma puts her arm around me. "I love you, princess." I rest my head against her. "I love you, too."

» Stephen Braunias is an award-winning writer and author of four books.

- The Southland Times

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