Can't be too careful

A selection of security memos sent, unsolicited, to various recipients from "Deskbound Dai" Davies, formerly of the Royal Protection Squad.

April 3 9.15am

I deeply regret Prince Harry found my comments in the Daily Mail last week offensive. I was simply pointing out that red is the bullseye colour and does rather make one an easier sniper target. So from a security viewpoint the quicker it falls out the better.

April 3 9.19am.

I stand by my comments that the New Zealand Governor-General is an idiot who has imperilled the safety of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge with his promiscuous communications by electronic media. I felt the need to berate him through proper media channels.

April 3 9.21am

Mateparae. That wouldn't be Arabic would it?

April 3 10.12am

These plants that the Prince of Wales talks to. Have they been tested for bugs?

April 3 10.13am


April 3 11am

Her Majesty needs to be further reminded to keep well away from balconies. If the Royal Family persist in presenting themselves like carnival sideshow targets I shall be forced to take my concerns to the public.

April 3 midday

Prime Minister or not, in future full cavity body searches must be the new protocol.

April 3 1pm

Further to my memo last week, what do we truly know about how well these knighthood recipients are vetted? If their hands were discreetly contained their backs then any bad eggs among 'em wouldn't be in a position to make a lunge for that sword. The handcuffs could, for appearance sake, be velvet covered. I understand there already are such things.

April 3 1.30pm

I deeply regret the Duchess of Cambridge found my suggestion in Daily Mail last week offensive. But at that age one baby does look very much like another. And for the record, at no stage did I specifically mention the word "pauper".

April 3 2pm

I am happy to advise that I see no problem with the Duke of Cambridge opening the new Tottenham Public Library next month. Just tell them to load it on to the transporter and let them know the confirmed location when the time's right.

April 3 4pm

Must those equerries of theirs be quite so excruciatingly thin? Clearly we don't require them to stop a bullet but is it too much to ask that if the worst comes to the worst and one is seized with the patriotic desire to do so, one has body mass to pull it off?

April 3 5pm

The Royal Family's traditional Christmas Day church service at Sandringham needs to be moved, short-notice, to December 21. And to Dover.

April 3 8pm

I don't care what the general public wants to see. When the Royal Family step out en masse it's the Duchess of Cornwall and Tindall out front at all times.

April 3 8.15pm

I regret that the Duke of Edinburgh found my suggestion in the Daily Mail last month offensive. I just thought that a red hat would look rather dashing.

The Southland Times