Food an ugly world in Copenhagen

Pro tip: If you're planning on going to Copenhagen, indeed anywhere in Scandinavia, at any stage within the next three years, go ahead and stop eating saaaaaay . . . now.

(I've picked up a megaphone right now.)

Put down the Jimmy's mince and cheese.

(I've put the megaphone back down now.)

If you wake up one day, in an obviously foreign land, look around you - if you can see both a Little Mermaid statue (overrated as a tourist attraction, especially when the wind chill factor means the temperature is hovering around -15) and waif-like trendies dressed impeccably, I would take a stab in the dark and guess you have been teleported to the Danish capital.

Where, coincidentally, it appears nobody has eaten a danish (little d) in their life.

The willpower - and also, how utterly misleading.

If you've carried on my guessing game, and deduced that Copenhagen is where I have been transported to this week, well congrats - you are officially a functioning human being.

You can go ahead and operate heavy machinery now.

Anyhoo . . . Copenhagen is a beautiful city. Freezing at the moment, but beautiful.

Anywhere with such an abundance of cobbled streets doesn't have to do much more to win my heart, but when you throw in - bonus! - a bustling waterfront and incredible shopping, I am sold.

Just as beautiful are its inhabitants: I've caught myself sitting in a stupor a couple of times, picturing what a world that drew its populace solely from this gene pool would be like.

Being surrounded by this many really, really ridiculously good-looking people (Derek Zoolander would be quaking in his expensive Italian leather - undoubtedly handmade - boots; sadly, judging from the impeccable English, these are people who can, in fact, read good) could be a bit unsettling; so, for you dear reader, I have prepared a guide on how to fit in next time you're in this neck of the woods: specifically, how to be a sartorial success.

Let's begin, shall we?

1. One colour and one colour only.

Oh, so yellow is your favourite colour? Not any more. Yellow is dead to you.

A wise woman -shout out, Marth - once told me "if in doubt, sepia". How many of us have been saved, social exclusion-wise, by the filters of Instagram?

Similarly, to really make it as a clothes horse in Copenhagen - the home of many a street-style blog - all you need to do is dress in the favourite hue of every fashion editor the world over.

If you're unsure whether your attire is Scandi-appropriate, pick out all the pieces of your wardrobe that are black - but not covered in weird, pale stains, like baby spit-up or crusted-on icing from the time you made a carrot cake that went horribly, horribly wrong.

(The Great Cake Disaster of 2010. We shall never forget.)

Monochrome is fine; black items with white on them that aren't meant to have white on them, are not.

2. Beauty is pain.

So you've already heard about the negative-too-many-digits temperature. Be prepared to suck it up and rock around in the cold wearing nothing but an oversized boyfriend-style mohair Topshop coat, skinny jeans, and brogues without socks. And you can forget about layering - to do that would mean you've resisted mince and cheese for nothing.

3. Stop being ugly.

. (That's a full stop, guys.)

OK, that's pretty much it. That's the whole guide.

What do you mean, genes?

What do you mean, hypothermia?

What do you mean, RED WINE?