Not (Brace) well: Quotes from the Spin King, Part 2

Just to close off Tuesday's catalogue of outrageous, outlandish and occasionally out-of-order comments in and around the curly-haired man of the moment who is representing our national team in the cricketing media, let me lead off with my all-time favourite from February this year:

One thing you have got to learn, and if I've learned anything, it's watch your tongue when speaking about Australia because it's going to come back and bite you. You have got to be careful. It's one thing I have learned over four years - you do not joust with the Australians as they come at you as a pack.  That's lessons learned from 20 years of making mistakes against the Australians. 

This is one careless old dog with an unwatched tongue, suffering from multiple bite wounds, and refusing to put his jousting days behind him - an old dog that won't be taught new tricks...

August 2000

On the relevance of baseball techniques in fielding: "What I've brought in is a baseball orientated thing and the guys field in zones as opposed to fielding positions. I just mentioned the idea of 'how about taking ownership of an area?' like in baseball and so if a guy is going to be bowling a certain type of delivery they know what lines to work. If a guy is going to look to play a certain type of shot you know there are only certain areas the ball can be hit into so you move into those areas."

November 2002

Ex-Gloucestershire player Jeremy Snape on Bracewell: "As in any conflict there are two sides to the story and there will come a time when the members find out the truth about what happened in the summer. This is the first time I've ever had a problem with any form of management and it can be strictly limited to the two-way relationship with John Bracewell."

September 2004

On the toss: "If you are going to play cricket in England in mid-September the toss is always going to be crucial. There was a heavy dew and the pitch was cold, so the ball was holding and it was not easy. It surprised us that they did not swing it more. Australia might not have the sting in their bowling attack of the past, but they are neat and tidy and they can hurt you in such conditions."  

On Hawkeye (and God bless him for this one): "[It] is incompetent. The umpire is always right and technology only interferes with their job. I'd be happy if it didn't exist.   You play replay after replay, umpires can't do that. I've got no grizzles about any decisions whatsoever."  

November 2004

On taking on Australia: "It's a little like climbing a big hill and your next mission is to climb Everest, that's the gap. But at least we've spent some time climbing." 

December 2004

On Ian Butler: "I think Ian is a vastly improved one-day bowler from 12 months ago, when he was a one length bowler. He can get the ball in the block-hole, he can reverse swing the ball and he has a well developed slower ball, which he needs game time to have the confidence to use.  He has the confidence to use it in the nets and it's an extremely good ball, but he needs game time to use it. So we need to develop that game time between now and the World Cup, where he is plum on for the small grounds there to be a useful death bowler." 

On the Telstra Dome: "While it is a fascinating stadium, I don't think it's particularly geared up for cricket because I think the lighting is poor. It's too low and in certain areas probably quite dangerous. The colouring of the roof becomes pretty much the same colour as an old cricket ball, so I think in that regard it is also inadequate. I would say the angle of the sun and shadows, because of the sharp contrast to the roof, would change throughout the day which would probably give some advantage or disadvantage. The problem with changing the ball colour is that it tends to do a lot more. The orange ball's been used in the past, hasn't it, but that's an option, yes. But it is the heights of the lights more than anything else." 

On the Gabba pitch: "We don't know what the wicket's like because I think it's been changed two or three times, depending on the results of the last two games. There's a big square and there's a few choices, but apparently it's now down to two." 

And on Hayden's dodging bullets around LBW shouts: "We're going to try to get Hayden hit on the pads in front to see if we can get a dismissal, then we'll work from that point."

January 2005

On Jeff Wilson's selection out of absolutely nowhere: "No doubt the marketing people are delighted and half the children in the country as well, but while everyone loves a romantic story that has got nothing to do with it. We need to go to another level if we are going to beat Australia on a consistent basis and Jeff is a guy who might help us to do that.  He has that dynamic..."

And on the reaction of Andre Adams, Tama Canning and James Franklin to Wilson's selection: "Tama and Andre deserved [a  phonecall] because they are more directly in competition for the bowler-batter position. But we know what they can do so here is a great opportunity to look at Jeff. They understand that, or if they didn't, they appreciated it being explained to them." 

February 2005

On Beefy: "Ian Botham, who bowled the most dreadful dross in the last three years of his career, still picked up wickets because he was Ian Botham. You try to keep things normal but reality is the Australians have cricket admiration around the world." 

On Ricky Ponting's lameness in stopping play to complain about the crowd:  "I think the tactical awareness as learnt by Steve Waugh has been passed on. It's just a strategy that they often use to break up the pattern of the day." 

March 2005

S K Warne, the greatest living bogan (is he from Bogan - look at this article to find out something about this magnificently named town in New South Wales?), comments on Bracewell's theories: "The coach is probably pretty embarrassed with what he's been saying lately. Their players must be getting pretty nervous. I've heard some excuses in my time, but I think some of those he's been coming up with are the best I've ever heard.  That was absolutely ridiculous, what he was saying. I'm not sure how the players are getting along with him...Those comments just shows that he's got no idea, basically." 

October 2005

On South African cricket's mental approach: "There's no doubt they (SA) will be well prepared for us because this will be a vengeance trip for them, which is not surprising as that's part of the Afrikaner mentality to be honest." 

South African coach Mickey Arthur was not into it: "We are a team that revels in our diversity. We represent all the cultures of this country, not just the Afrikaners. That is what unites us and makes us stronger. John Bracewell's comment is simply bizarre. But he likes doing this kind of thing."

December 2006

On Iain O'Brien, who looks  a bit like Dr Cox off Scrubs: "Iain was unlucky he made his debut against a rampant Australia side and then he had a series of injuries. But he is a deck hitter and that is a rarity in New Zealand and he also has stamina." 

March 2007

On the inclusion of dirt-trackers Peter Fulton, Michael Mason, Daryl Tuffey and Mark Gillespie in the World Cup squad.  "They went about their business servicing the team but they also had to prepare to play. I don't regard them as dirt-trackers."