Cricket porn and Bollywood

01:28, Dec 15 2009

What the hell is going on! Forget the fury following their axing thanks to fronting up in the Indian Cricket League, why were Nathan Astle, Daryl Tuffey and Craig McMillan even considered potential candidates for roles in a Bollywood cricket movie?

It seems surreal, although we all know Tuffey has experience on his side, having had at least one foray into moving pictures before. Makes us wonder what sort of movie it is, cricket porn would certainly be a new genre in the aisles at the local Blockbuster.

Of course getting a lazy 40 grand to get smashed around the ground by an Indian actor seems like a pretty sweet deal, but clearly the tentacles of the Indian Cricket Board (the BCCI) stretch long and international.

Astle, Tuffey and McMillan are all in the dogbox with the Indian administrators for having the gall to seek their fortune in the ICL. Not only did the BCCI 'seeth with anger' when Tuffey played in an Auckland XI against Bangladesh last month, they are also lining NZC up for punishment if Shane Bond is selected for the national team and then plays in the unsanctioned competition.

Back on the silver screen though, one Kiwi is reported to be making an appearance: the one and only Martin David Crowe. Can't wait to see the state of that. Will the DB Draught headband make a reappearance?

What the hell is going on! Forget the fury following their axing thanks to fronting up in the Indian Cricket League, why were Nathan Astle, Daryl Tuffey and Craig McMillan even considered potential candidates for roles in a Bollywood cricket movie?

It seems surreal, although we all know Tuffey has experience on his side, having had at least one foray into moving pictures before. Makes us wonder what sort of movie it is, cricket porn would certainly be a new genre in the aisles at the local Blockbuster.

Of course getting a lazy 40 grand to get smashed around the ground by an Indian actor seems like a pretty sweet deal, but clearly the tentacles of the Indian Cricket Board (the BCCI) stretch long and international.

Astle, Tuffey and McMillan are all in the dogbox with the Indian administrators for having the gall to seek their fortune in the ICL. Not only did the BCCI 'seeth with anger' when Tuffey played in an Auckland XI against Bangladesh last month, they are also lining NZC up for punishment if Shane Bond is selected for the national team and then plays in the unsanctioned competition.

Back on the silver screen though, one Kiwi is reported to be making an appearance: the one and only Martin David Crowe. Can't wait to see the state of that. Will the DB Draught headband make a reappearance?

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Alongside MDC, Sajid Mahmood and Welshman Simon Jones have been roped in as extras, with Brett Lee (the Trojan horse of cricketers into Bollywood - make sure you have seen his song and try not to vomit) taking on a starring role. Lee is joined by crankypants Allan Border, poseur extraordinaire Shane Watson, the robotic Mike Hussey and magnificent bogan Jason Gillespie.

The movie, entitled Victory, is said to be a singing, dancing, cheesy cricketing version of Bend it Like Beckham. Also reminds me of that football movie, Goal. Hmmmm. It stars actor Harman Baweja as a young Indian who cracks the international cricket scene. As part of his prep, Mr Baweja should note that Lee is not very good at bowling in 'fun net sessions' as his approach to this session indicates:   

Lee bowled like Lucifer on Bundy rum. Dangerously fast. Sadistically short. Charging in with such venom, Ricky Ponting actually dragged him aside for a word. Something like "what the @#$% are you doing?"

Apparently Baweja is required to face Lee bowling at full pace. A slightly scarier proposition than anything that has ever come out of the hands of Tuffey, Astle or Macca - particularly if Lee unleashes B McCullum's favourite delivery: the eye level, full toss, 150kph beamer. Victory could end up as a splatter movie rather than cricket porn...