Dear Flem
Well what the bloody hell did you go and do that for? That was the crappest Valentine's Day present we've ever got, bar none. Bet Kelly was happy though - very romantic move Romeo. And Tayla too. And the Pakistani guy in the crowd that wore one of your top edges for six in the face a while back was apparently pretty pleased as well, although he is keen to borrow one or two of your magnificent cheekbones for his face reconstruction.
Mate, cricket will not be the same without those imperial straight drives of yours, the outrageous slip cordon at point for cocky bastards like Damien Martyn, psyching out the South African captain at Eden Park, that dirty fall-over/pick-up slap shot through square leg, the plotting from first slip, and that wonderful piece of mickey-taking with Rigor that was NZ cricket's first viral video link. (One D.Tuffey can count himself extremely lucky not to be the bearer of that last accolade.)
And what cricket captain around the world - aside from those of the ilk of the Lincoln Labias Social XI - would ever rise to the challenge of growing a moustache during the season in front of a barrage of cameras and against the world's most serious cricket team? And then do it again while on a cricket holiday in Nottingham? Legendary.
We've watched you bat magnificently on the telly, but a couple of knocks stick in my mind from our cheap seats on the bank with the chaps in the Beige Brigade. There have been a few times when we've had a few under our belts but decided to ease up to focus on the batting feast you were providing our BYC-loving souls. We superstitiously nursed you through to three figures a couple of times.
The first was at Seddon Park, that eight-hour vigil of Richardsonesque proportions for a mighty 192, setting the platform for the bespectacled hometown hero to cut and jab his way to 137 in your wake. The second was a true captain's knock at Trent Bridge - 117 to your name after putting your hand up for the unwanted and unfamiliar role of opener. God knows how we lost that match. To be fair, there were a number of times where we didn't ease up and as a result you didn't make it through to the ton - sorry about that.
But one point we'd like to make so we can all stop banging on about it - and include yourself in this chastising. Say this after us:"My conversion rate of 50s to 100s was a little ordinary but there were plenty who have gone around in whites that have done worse." Dead right Flem, and many of them have twangy NZ accents too.

See, your conversion rate is better than The Knight, The Captain, The Brand, The Grocer, The Proboscis and The Mantis - and you're only the 33rd worst converter in the history of cricket. Can we just let it go?
And finally, some thank yous. Thank you for saving us from a reign of terror under Lee Germon. Thank you for nearly falling out of your chair when we won the Champions Trophy in Kenya. Thank you for erasing Arjuna's record haul of ODI matches as captain. You made us proud and we will miss your class, poise and passion. And your Fujitsu Heat Pump ads. See you on the bank - no ties allowed.
Yours sincerely,
Paul & Mike & the hardcore of the Beige Brigade
STATS: www.howstat.com
Picture: PHOTOSPORT
Sponsored links
One point that has been overlooked is why Fleming is retiring at all. Forget "timing" issues, he's not yet 35, pretty well injury free and still our most consistent Test batsman. Losing the captaincy has clearly hit a nerve but that decision was and still is reversable. NZ Cricket spent weeks trying to stop Bond quitting. One feels no comparable effort has been made here.
You've given so much enjoyment. not just with your elegant batting, your intelligent and innovative captaincy, but also your insightful wit and humour, your honest sideline comments and candour when interviewed. Even though I've never met you I feel as if a treasured friend is leaving for a far off country and I don't know when we will meet again. I wish you and your family God's best. Thanks for all the wonderful memories!
One of my favourite umpiring memories is having the pleasure of watching Flem, from close quarters, score a century in club cricket during the players' strike of 2002/03. He was horribly out of touch and it was one of the ugliest centuries you'll ever see, but the straight boundaries at Karori Park weren't particularly bowler-friendly. It was pretty weird when Eastern Suburbs were fielding looking down the pitch from the bowlers' end and seeing the NZ captain at first slip. An enduring memory is a catch he nearly dropped at slip - he fumbled it but then made it look like he had so much time to regather... the mark of a class player.
Mr McLean: There is no way they would ever revoke Vettori's Test captaincy. Fleming would have been keen as mustard to put in place his plans for England at home, and then avenging the 2004 3-0 loss before pulling the pin. The combination of being axed as Test captain, the doleros on offer in the IPL (he would have been encouraged to sign by NZC to avoid him going to the ICL) and the baby scenario have combined to send him over the edge and away from test cricket. The tension with Bracewell - your #1 obsession - will not be revealed until post-Easter at the earliest.
I look forward to the next book, as long as it's not Boock ('s). But given I hear on grapevine that Flem went up to Mr Boock at an airport recently and told him he would never speak to him personally again, and good day. Should be a bit of dirt to dish on Bracewell, who I would personally blame for Flem's departure now. He's even said he would've loved to finish at Trent Bridge, so questions must be asked.
Flem, you are a legend. You have done your country proud for so many years. I am only 14 but I can still remember some of the great knocks and some of the witty captaincy. cya Flem your country will miss you mate!
What I'm saying are these are desparate times Paul, a time for gutsy calls to be made by NZC rather than sitting back and watching players drift away.
Bracewell has destroyed the Test team, which will have contributed to Fleming's decision. It was inevitable, Bracewell at some point would be the catalyst for defections and regrettably NZC has continued to back him, despite him not achieving what should be the No 1 priority: results. Fleming would probably still have the captaincy if NZC had seen sense and we wouldn't be having this debate.
Let's not forget also that unlike the ICL (three tournaments this year), the IPL is a once-a-year tournament and it's likely the Future Tours Programme will, in time, specifically accommodate the IPL. Fleming could still be playing Tests (he could have been given leave to see baby No 2's arrival like he was for baby No 1), alongside the IPL commitments.
Poool - bought a tear to the eye. Wonderful stuff. My personal highlight of Flem's reign was when he got all the players to gather in a huddle at the boundary before they ran out onto The Basin...then they all exploded out of the huddle and sprinted to their position in the field and crouched down...taking the p*ss out of the tedious Sky 'field placement' graphic...in fact that was the only thing I can remember from that day.
Such a huge loss for NZ Cricket. When you look back on the last 18 months we've lost four players who would make the all time NZ XI. Our greatest captain (Fleming), our greatest all-rounder (Cairns), our greatest opening ODI batsman (Astle) and our second greatest strike bowler (Bond). Not to mention four mentors the younger players in the squad to learn from.
I only hope Flem gets the departure he deserves, something like Cairns' send off at the T-20 match against the Windies would be great but I doubt Napier will pull that kind of crowd for a test match.
Bring on a testimonial at the Basin.
Earthquakes shake north and south of NZ
Engineer's report prompts mall evacuation
Quakes blow Wellington's benchmark
Author, 12, gives proceeds to cancer research
Baby murder-accused sobs, sniffles in court
Daily trivia quiz: February 11
A burning issue: When coffins get too big
NZ police access Facebook evidence
Helmet law halves cyclist numbers
CERA report prompts mall evacuation
Top selling games in New Zealand
Newest First
Oldest First
Go well Flem, you've done us proud and now you deserve a cash gig to keep you & yours secure.
Kia Kaha.