Hatin' Matthew Hayden
As Kiwis, a blend of nature and nurture sees us get fired up at the Australian cricket culture. This loathing need not be rational, so I won't pretend otherwise. Among our all-conquering transtasman cricketing cousins are those best described as bearable (Stuart Clark/James Hopes), some we must grudgingly admire or envy because of their sheer weight of talent (Adam Gilchrist/Ricky Ponting), some we love to hate but suspect we would enjoy a beer with (Shane Warne/Andrew Symonds), and some that are just unbearable (Michael Clarke).
I'd put Matthew Lawrence Hayden squarely in the latter category. His most recent arrogant indiscretion was a gem: the full audio is online here and well worth a listen. It pretty much sums up The King of Sanctimony's approach to the game, and the monkey-sized chip on his shoulder masquerading as his sense of humour.
So I'm with The Turbanator on this one, and the Beige Brigade's highly scientific polling via text messages to those in the know confirms that Hayden is indeed one of the most unpopular cricketers going about on the shrinking international cricket scene. Indeed, even McGrath hated him for a while there, as this shove demonstrates. Don't get me wrong - the guy can play - he's outrageously talented. But like his captain in the Bollyline imbroglio, his tendency toward petulance, pomposity and swagger casts a shadow over his credibility as a truly great all-round cricketer and bloke.
Oh Haydos, how do I not love thee? Let me count the ways: 7.
1. The God bothering hypocrisy
"Religion has always been a tremendous reference point with me... When I’m in trouble it’s always something to think about. I ask myself what would Christ be doing in this situation?” Hmm, well Haydos, the Good Lord probably wouldn't be putting on an Indian accent and doling out abuse to opposition players on breakfast radio. He crosses himself when he scores a ton for Straya - but not in state cricket. Rumour has it that's because even God doesn't watch domestic cricket.
2. The Grumpiness
OK, if some Welsh glamour boy did this to me I would probably look like a bulldog chewing a wasp as well, but it still gets on my tits how he wanders around the pitch spoiling for a fight like some wannabe schoolyard bully. Didn't see him confronting Brett Lee when he went through his "beanball to Brendon McCullum" phase.
3. The Acting
The apron in this ad just kills me. Thankfully, that Daniel Day-Lewis of former players, William Lawry, appears to salvage a micro-smidgen of humour from this acting muppet class. Elsewhere, there is a high cringe factor as I watch him impersonate himself (of course) and skipper Ponting as the Aussies go all hard case in this match against the Lankans.
4. His First State Team Meeting
Apparently his first act upon being selected for Queensland was to ask at a team meeting if anyone had scored a double-century on debut. The answer was no. When he finally got onto the Gabba he hit 149 against South Australia. Then he probably went to the gym to beat himself up.
5. The 6 People He Would Invite For Dinner
The late Kerry Packer; rugbyhead Alan Jones; military man Lt General Cosgrove; businessman Trevor O'Hoy; surfer Kelly Slater; and Kellie Hayden. (He said: "I know this is the seventh guest, but my amazing wife will always be the most welcome and wanted person at my dinner table.") The man is a walking cheese ball.
6. The Nicknames
Haydos, Unit, Alice. More like Hater, Unliked, Arrogant.
7. The Cook Book
How did he avoid all references to ducks and come up with this eye-wateringly original title: The Matthew Hayden Cookbook. The second one sounds heaps better: The Matthew Hayden Cookbook 2!
And finally...
8. The Quotes
When he gets bitten by a dog while out running he feels no pain, just discontented: "I was was out for a leisurely run. You are always a bit shocked by that sort of thing but I was more disappointed than anything."
Un-arrogantly explaining just how good Australia are before they lost the Ashes: "I don't mean to be arrogant, but if we're executing our skills there's not a side that can get close to us...I don't really care whether England are closer to us or not - I believe that it's all about us."
Making a really good point: "Boating is completely different than driving a car for example."
Talking bollocks about what cricketers do, eerily similar to the John Bracewell dialect: "Day in, day out, this side just desperately wants to complete its skills and give itself every chance to play good cricket."
On how good he and his top order mates are: "The Platinum Club is basically the top-order batsmen - the 'engine room', we call ourselves - plus one of the interior decorators in Damien Martyn. The fast bowlers aren't invited."
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Jonathan: Primarily the fact that he shaves his arms. It's just not normal.
with the australian cricket team I take a 'he's an arrogant tosser until proven otherwise' approach.
From the current line-up: Haydos = tool Gilly - ok punter = tool clarke = tool hussey - ok symonds - he's on a slippery slope at the moment, losing credibility fast hopes - arrogant tosser (yet to prove otherwise) hogg - ok johnson - ok lee - ok. I like the new Lee... the one that can actually bowl. bracken - tosser. for the hair alone. Clark - neutral.
What also irks me is how hot their girlfriends are. Esp Pup.
I have to respect Clarke (with an ¨ë¨) for pulling out of the Indian cash grab to spend time with the old man (and I suppose we can assume his fantastically hot missus). On the subject of wives, classic story that has done the rounds about Symonds. He picked up a womens magazine in the airport on a trip with the side and read an article on how to make up with your wife after a ¨row¨. He quickly asked one of the boys why anyone would be going for a row (in a boat) with their missus. Hmmm...definite captaincy material
Jonathan: Don't get the violins out for ClarkE just yet - he said he withdrew to go fishing which would be admirable. But he also sent a letter to the IPL in which he said: "By trying to continue to advance my profile and reputation with the Australian team, I hope to one day become an asset to your tournament." So he is also being a little calculating too - post-Ponting he will be worth squillions...unless the post-Ponting team is not so flash.
John your analysis is spot on, especially about their partners lol
I was quite pleased to see Hayden going for his shots in the interview. Interviews with most professional sportspeople aren't generally worth listening because they just say how good their captain, coach and opposition are because thats what they are programmed to do. It's more interesting if theres some genuine animosity between the teams than if everyones all mates.
Hi Guys, Normally, I would disagree on a lot of this because Matthew Hayden is my favorite cricketer, but I have to agree that his attack on the Indian cricketers on the radio was a big no-no, especially the bit on inviting Ishant Sharma to the boxing ring for a fight.
My apologies for lowering the tone of this distinguished blog but I have it on good authority from a source at Northants that Haydos is as good a candidate for the Beige Brigades famous "Small Horse" chant as you are ever likely to encounter. I wouldn't goes as far as to quote Freud and suggest his superego was having to compensate for his id but it makes you wonder.
well the indian team is restrained by the bcci to react to likes of hayden and symonds, BUT, not us. please see the ipl matches in new delhi ..i will be willing to be in the ring with hayden outside the stadium...lets see who plays dirty!... that mo....Fu....r is gonna get hell. indians aint no pussies.
unless icc intervenes and levels the playing field... we will not forget and forgive any player/official who unjustly targets our teams.
p.s:Aussies are pussies! else why are they not visiting pakistan...if they do...they'll be shelling bricks daily.. haha
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Paul, you have hit the nail smack bang on the head. The worst part of it all is that the man doesn´t have an ironic bone in his body and most definitely doesn´t get the joke. Peter Roebuck made a good point that since ¨Haydos¨ and Symonds have been taking much more of a role within the leadership of the aussie side, most of the redeeming features have disappeared and they are well and truly a pack of tossers.
By the way Paul, what´s your beef with Michael Clarke? I´ve always found Stuart Clark without an ¨e¨ to be the more objectionable mostly because he´s just so damn boring.