Indian Premier League requires No-Doz
Twenty-four tablets of No-Doz cost about $8 at the chemist - I will need to invest as it gets to crunch time in the Indian Premier League because at present I haven't managed to stay awake for an entire match.
Clearly it is not all my fault with 10.30pm and 3am starts, and lisping Lalit Modi's magnificent new innovation of 450 seconds of gibbering nonsense and advertisements masquerading as a "strategy break" all helping induce sleep.
These farcical interludes, which have even been enforced in reduced-overs games, are not quite as annoying as the new name for a six, the DLF Maximum. They're not called that at Beige HQ, they're called PFO Maximums where the P stands for Please and the O stands for Off.
The commentators' hysterical enthusiasm for the newfound terminology is galling, as are some of their "hard case" light-hearted segments. The contrived sideline colour pieces are atrocious - the least they could have done is employ some people who are actually funny. Our very own wordsmith extraordinaire Jeremy Coney has a lot to answer for here: surely the lowlight (pardon the pun) came when he sat with the production team and asked them to adjust the contrast and brightness down so the screen went black. What a terrific use of the television medium. Stick to radio Jeremy, where I think you are brilliant.
I am not the only one trying to be interested in the IPL. The other morning Radio Sport's Kevin Hart emphasised his obsession with cricket's crassest commercial product when he opened with this question to Ross Taylor: "So you're with the Bangladesh Tigers...?"
In addition, the IPL round two has not been a happy hunting ground for most of the New Zealand contingent.
There has been some moaning about the dearth of Indian players in the starting XIs of the IPL sides from chaps like Ajit Wadekar, and the Kiwis have not been forging a very good case to defend that proposition. With a lazy US$2,425,000 worth of Kiwi cricketing flesh* going around in IPL II, the combined return of 248 runs and 18 wickets from the Kiwi boys is not exactly blazing a trail for the prospects of any 2010 recruits from our neck of the woods. Perhaps they need a round of caffeine pills for breakfast too.
The impact of the rumoured demise of the Indian Cricket League is an obsession for another day, but one side-effect may well be on the IPL's commercial arrangements with players. I am no Gareth Morgan, but if a competitor is removed from the market, supply and demand would dictate that the monopoly of the BCCI will be reinstated: and as a corollary the need to pay top dollar will diminish.
The best performed Kiwi batsman so far is (...broken record...broken record...) Daniel Vettori at #25, the only one in the top 40 on the strength of one less than earth-shattering knock of 29. Tall Man Oram (#45) is next best with 54 runs at an average of 18, then it is really embarrassing with Rossco Taylor at #51 (ave 17), Scott E Styris #60 (ave 14), 241 Ryder #76 (ave 8.50), and McCullum at #80 and averaging a tick over seven after seven bats. The greatest ignominy for Baz so far would have to be getting out to the human ego, Kevin Pietersen, first ball of the innings in the Kolkata v Bangalore match - oh the shame.
Not that anyone cares about bowling in the IPL, but Styris has the 12th-best average in the tournament (12.80), Vettori 21st (19.14), Ryder 45th (30.00) and Oram 53rd(33.00). Kyle Mills has yet to bowl a ball in anger. Another Kiwi yet to bowl a ball is the New Zealand umpire at the tournament, Gary Baxter (famous for this dropped catch while umpiring in an ODI). He has also been getting grief, most recently in the wake of his decision to call a legside-ish delivery from Fidel Edwards a wide, which sent the Deccan/West Indian firebrand into a rage of turf kicking.
Of course, there are things to admire in the IPL.
For a start, the cheerleaders are quite effective and the notoriously pervy South African cameramen have been out of control finding photogenic women on the bank and in the stands at the matches. It's also been good to see that Indian screen goddess Preity Zinta has abandoned the David Bain-inspired line of fashion that she unleashed on the new Zealand public earlier in the year.
The blogger at Fake IPL Player has been outstanding too, opening the dressing room door for a bitchy insight into the Kolkata Knight Riders' team machinations. The Guardian's Lawrence Booth put it nicely: "In a tournament full of self-importance and commercialism, the Fake IPL Blogger is regarded by some as a welcome antidote." Along with 24 No-Doz, that would include me.
-> Listen to the Beige Brigade podcast here: Ep 87 is "The Michael Vaughan We Do Hate You Episode"
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*IPL auction prices of NZ players: Mills (US$150,000), Styris (US$175,000), Taylor (US$100,000), Vettori (US$625,000), Oram (US$675,000), McCullum (US$700,000).
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I don't know what it is but the actual games seem a much lower quality (I know, I know quality and 20/20 don't fit) then last years. There's been no outstanding innings or fantastic catches or even a fabulous bowling performances - some good but nothing extraordinary like last year.
Just seems to be lacking the atmosphere.
I just feel sorry for all the Kiwi Players. They all look so out of their depths. Especially McCullum. If there was any indication that he should NOT be the next NZ captain - this is the PRIME example. He's clueless in the field when it comes to running a side in game-mode.
He's a gambler, but for all the wrong reasons.
I think this tournament has been a good example of how overrated our guys are as individual players. As a TEAM they work because they can get away with performing sub-par but working well as a unit (bowling/batting) because they're all prolly genuinely nice guys having a good time together...
But man, stick em all in seperate sides where they have to take some responsibility and BAM - they collapse. I was suprised at how badly McCullum has been playing, but he just looks like he has zero confidence.
Pity.
Easy on about Kevin Hart, he brings up the best country round up on sunday mornings.
how about Grant Bradburn getting the nod in the big job for the Knights.
He has been my favourite player/coach for years, good to see he is getting his chance.
Whats happened to your 'State' sponsorship? I insured my house, contents and car because they were associated with the Sideline Slogger...now it's no longer sponsor I will be cancelling all policies.
I could not agree more about the excitmetn levels in theIPL. Although to be fair as I found last years competition so boring I have not bothered to watch this any games year. Looking forward to five days of England vs West Indies tomorrow.
Also to give those stats some relevance, the average average in this years IPL is currently 21.3 and the average strike rate is 118.6.
Is it just me, but watching the mass-cringe that is the IPL promotions, I keep getting flashbacks to the 80's.The so called Indian celebrities in their mirror sunnies and jacket-over- tshirt look & stubble, where's Crockett & Tubbs ? Its just so all badly done ! This years games are boring and the dribble they go on about "maximum" this & Maximum that & how far that six went for. As we all know, its all about the money but this will kill cricket thru Indian saturation. The occassional 20/20 is great but this is overkill, just like how rugby is struggling because the game is more about defence than attack, same with this crap
I while back possibly 2nd week of the tourney Coney interviewed the cheerleaders.
Best interview ever, put him and parky in a room together and film it!
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That Kevin Hart quote is a classic.
But it says more about him than the IPL.