10 Pakistani nightmares

New Zealand sports a pretty atrocious record against Pakistan in all forms of cricket, and in Test cricket some of the numbers are unsurprisingly awful.

In 45 encounters, the men in white shirts with small black ferns and a massive DEC logo have come out on the winning side just six times, with 18 draws, and a stunning 21 losses at the arms and willows of Pakistan. That means we beat them a measly 13% of the time - it is terrifying to think we beat Australia in Test cricket more often than we beat Pakistan. (We beat England the least, just 8.5% of the time, followed by the muppet-led South Africans on 11%.)

If that's the first thing to keep you awake at night, rest assured there are several dozen green-blooded Pakistani contenders for ten nightmare performances from a New Zealand perspective. With apologies to The Beastie Boys, here are nine more to guarantee no sleep till Carisbrook(lyn)...

1. Having already labelled the part-time NZ bowling coach's century one of the most frustrating I have ever seen, it stands to reason that Saqlain Mushtaq's 101 not out at Lancaster Park against Tuffey, Martin, Drum, Bradburn, McMillan, Astle and Richardson should still be delivering insomnia. It was excruciating viewing: the fourth slowest century by a Pakistan batsman in the history of Test cricket at the time. (And surely the first by a bloke that looked like Erkel off Family Matters at the time.)

2. Monstrous, mammoth partnerships. Three of the highest partnerships for each wicket for Pakistan were bludgeoned against New Zealand's bowlers. There's the 4^th wicket stand of 350 between Mushtaq Mohammad and Asif Iqbal at Carisbrook in 1973, and the 5^th wicket stand of 281 between Javed Miandad and Iqbal at Gaddafi Stadium in 1976. But the most painful of all was the 7^th wicket heartbreaker of 308 between Waqar Hassan and Imtiaz Ahmed at Lahore in 1955 agains Harry Cave's side. At the time it was a record stand for Pakistan for any wicket in a Test match - and Pakistan came off the ropes like Cassius Clay, having been in huge trouble at 111/6 and still 237 runs behind.

3. The human potato, Inzamam-ul-Haq, has terrorised NZ with both intransigence and casual brutality in dismissing bad balls: cases include the World Cup in 1992, 75 at Hamilton in 1993, and wearing McMillan bouncers stoically at the Basin in 2003. But his 329 at Lahore in 2002 was a whole new ballgame of nightmarishness. It remains the 13th highest score in Test cricket ever, and for Pakistanis second only to the War & Peace equivalent - Hanif Mohammad's ridiculous 970-minute, 337-run effort against the West Indies.

4. In the same match that Inzy rattled up a lazy 329, Shoaib Akhtar wrecked the NZ batting order to ensure the Kiwis' response to Pakistan's 643 was a diabolical 73 all out. In his best Test performance, Akhtar was brutal. He took 6/11 from 8.3 overs with a sore foot - 5 bowled, and Brooke Walker LBW. Eighteen months later he did it again to snare the man of the match (and the series) at the Basin, this time destroying the New Zealanders with 6/30 to follow up his Boxing Day effort of 5/48 in the first innings. See it here if you dare.

5. Javed Miandad's entire career - he has scored more runs against New Zealand than anyone else in the history of the game. That's 1919 - 400 more than Border plundered grittily, and 500 more than Tendulkar accumulated immaculately. Seven tons, six fifties and five not-outs at an average of 80.

6. The Mohammads and their 203s: Hanif Mohammad hit 203 not out in 1965, Shoaib Mohammad hit 203 not out in 1990, Mohammad Yousuf  hit 203 in 2001 at Lancaster Park and Mushtaq Mohammad hit 201 at Dunedin in 1973. (The latter backed that up with a 5-wicket bag as well - Pakistan's finest ever all-round performance in Tests.)

7. Intikhab Alam has the best bowling figures for Pakistan against New Zealand in an innings - taking 7/52 at Dunedin in 1973. He dismissed Turner (37), Congdon (35), Hastings (4),  Burgess (10), Pollard (3), Taylor (0) and D Hadlee (1) to disintegrate NZ for 156.

8. The current Pakistan coach - Intikhab - might lay claim to the best figures in an innings but Waqar Younis has the record for wickets in a match. In 1990, Chris Pringle discovered the art of the bottle cap and Pakistan were all out for just 102. But the Dingo's 7-wicket haul was matched by a fired up Waqar, who took 7/76 and then 5/54 to mow the Kiwis down 66 runs shy of their target.

9. In tandem with Wasim Akram, it was Younis who also wrecked my 1993 cricket viewing summer. NZ had two days to get just 127 to beat Pakistan in the fourth innings at Hamilton. Two days! But 43 overs later, Pakistan had won: Waqar 5/22 and Wasim 5/45. Wisden described it thus:

 "...a never-to-be-forgotten display of sustained, hostile fast bowling...New Zealand were 39 for three overnight. Rain delayed the resumption until the early afternoon, when the two pace bowlers attacked continuously for two hours to dismiss them for 93...Wasim and Waqar took the last seven wickets for 28, overwhelming New Zealand with their pace and swing on a pitch on which the occasional delivery came through low."

No surprises, then, who leads the way in NZ v Pakistan wicket-taking prowess - it's Waqar (70 at 19.60 apiece), then Wasim (60 at just 17.02) and Intikhab (54 at  24.39).

>> See more nightmares in the Cricinfo article "New Zealand's bogey opposition"

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