Sports coverage - a busted flush

OPINION: You wonder what we'll be offered next in the name of sport. I mean, if we're prepared to stretch the definition to include card-playing games such as poker, we should probably start steeling ourselves for coverage of the World Toe Wrestling Championships and updates from the International Beard and Moustache Competition. The way things are going, "Rock, Paper, Scissors" could yet gain Olympic status.

What is sport? Or should that be, what is not? Either way, it's a question Radio Sport unwittingly posed last week after colluding with Sky City Casinos to bring us not only coverage of the New Zealand poker championships from Queenstown, but also a stream of pre-tournament interviews with the players. Off-message? Profoundly so. It was akin to Radio Rhema covering the Festival of Yule and interviewing a bunch of heathens.

Let's agree on one point, at least. Poker isn't sport. Poker's a game you play when you can't play sport. It's something to do when there's nothing else to do. It's a cure for boredom. Add money to the equation and it simply becomes gambling. No different from a roulette wheel or a slot machine. And there you have it. The poker champs are simply a marketing tool for the casino industry. Yet again, sport finds itself promoting incompatible messages.

Pro poker? Just another pursuit for those seduced by the thought of easy money. Easy come, easy go. It's not surprising to find the occasional washed-up sports figure involved; many of them fit neatly into that category. No names of course. But you'd imagine middle-income earners with mortgages to pay and families to support would be thin on the ground. That's because it's not sport, it's just a onanistic pursuit for those with nothing better to do.

Having said that, exactly what defines sport is harder to nail down. Establishing fundamental principles is fraught when there's so many exceptions to the rule. Should there be an element of athleticism involved? What about target shooting, archery, or golf? It's all about competitiveness? But ballroom dancing, Scrabble and bridge are competitive. If tradition is the key, what do you do with the ancient art of Gurning (or face-pulling), established in 1297? Far simpler, surely, is the practice of deciding on an entirely subjective basis. A former boss of mine at the Otago Daily Times, Brent Edwards, was tortured each week by an editor who insisted the local chess results be run on the sports pages. I can still hear the protests and supplications. Sunday Star-Times sports editor Michael Donaldson cannot rid himself of the memory of having to collate the pigeon racing results for The Press.

The best I've heard, however, comes from former New Zealand Herald colleague Suzanne McFadden, who, in the early stages of her career was each Sunday required to phone for the results of the radio-controlled model yacht races at Lake Pupuke. Apparently, the Granny's sports pages were never complete until these had been included. Between this and regular updates on Kashin the elephant, all bases were to be covered.I can't help but sympathise with them all; Edwards, Donaldson and McFadden. Chess is a board game, pigeon racing and model yacht racing are hobbies. None is sport.

No need to stop there, however. While we're at it, could we please include in the list of non-sports, darts (which, after all, is just a way of deciding who buys the next round), any sort of aviation competition, whether it be gliding or Aero GP; cue games such as billiards, snooker and pool, and hybrid nonsense such as Frisbee-golf, underwater rugby and unicycle hockey? All very meritorious I'm sure. But honest-to-goodness sport? Give me a break.

Which brings us to some home truths. Mountain climbing isn't a sport. It's cold-blooded adventuring. If you ever needed confirmation of that it arrived in 2006 when Mark Inglis and his expedition were among those who left English mountaineer David Sharp to die near the summit of Mt Everest in order to complete their mission. Sir Ed said it never would have happened in his day. He was right. Call it anything you like, but it certainly isn't sport.

Ditto for horse racing; it should never be considered a sport. Thrashing animals around a course until their lungs haemorrhage or their legs break is so divorced from the principles of fair play it's surprising it's still considered legal, let alone good fun. The so-called sport of kings carries about as much credibility as wife-boxing or dwarf-tossing. It's not only the antithesis of sport; it's animal abuse, dressed up in a flouncy hat.

The Final Whistle also concedes a problem with derivatives. And with all respect, it's difficult to take seriously recent complaints about the coverage of the national men's softball team. Softball? It's a severely diluted version of baseball. Its name says it all. It's a business house recreation; something for footy players to do in the off-season. Why else would you have a ball the size of a balloon? It's like hitting the rear end of a cow with a banjo.

But if it's true that we're soon to be saturated with everyone's excuse for a sport, whether it be underarm baseball or card-playing, we should at least make a plea for some more interesting varieties. Give us the bog snorkelling world championships before the Black Sox any day. The world cheese rolling championships, for that matter; even the train racing from Queensland (man versus steam engine over 18.5km).

Hot dog-eating champs, extreme ironing, marbles, dwile flonking (look it up); I'd prefer them all to softball. But I draw the line at Texas Hold 'Em. Whichever way you look at it, poker's just not a sport.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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TJ   #4   10:30 pm Jul 29 2009

Why pick on softball. There are plenty of other sports that are derivatives. The no. 1 women's sport here is netball which is just a feminised version of basketball, that's only played within the commonwealth.

cami   #3   05:02 pm Jul 29 2009

if rugby is really only played (and has such importance) in one country is it still a sport?

Matt   #2   10:23 am Jul 27 2009

'It's like hitting the rear end of a cow with a banjo.' I'd like to see Mr Boock face our Black Sox pitcher and see if he can hit the said cow's rear end. I doubt it somehow.

Reckon it's about time we found another columnist for the back page of the Star-Times Sport. Phil Gould's column in the Sunday News (which is now a much better sports read than the Star-Times) makes more sense than Mr Boock's, who seems devoid of all knowledge and sense, and is a much better read.

Come on Star-Times, give us someone who will write something worthwhile.

The Voice of Reason   #1   09:35 pm Jul 26 2009

Good Grief. Another illogical "animal activist" type-attack on Horse Racing. Good luck in your personal war against the "Sport of Kings" Mr Boock. The rest of the sane world loves having a punt on Melbourne Cup Day.

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