Black Caps coaching job is a mission impossible
Job: Black Caps coach
Remuneration: Below market value
The tasks that lie ahead for the successful applicant to be the next New Zealand cricket coach are more daunting and onerous than appeasing every Christchurch homeowner.
Only someone with superhero powers would have seriously considered taking the job – and that's before witnessing the two Twenty20 matches against the West Indies in Florida this week.
Before you got far down page one of the job description, your Spidey Senses would start tingling when you read and pondered whether it was highly misleading for New Zealand Cricket to say it is recognised "as a world-leading sporting organisation".
That's before you discovered that you had more jobs to do than the Greek finance minister to lift the Black Caps' standing in world cricket.
Let's break down some of the likely responses to the chores listed:
– ensure appropriate facilities are made available.
"So I have to be in charge of finding practice nets as well? Don't I get a manager? Just not Dave Currie."
– work one-on-one with players in the off-season and preseason to remedy technical deficiencies and expand skills.
"Doesn't look like I'm going to get even one day of holidays then."
– to attend weekly scheduled meeting with director of cricket, either by phone or, where possible, face to face.
"Great, I have to sit opposite Flanders and listen to him dribble on while I wonder if he realises half of his cream doughnut is on his moustache ... diddly."
– to strive to win all games played and increase win/loss ratio to agreed levels.
"Can I ask what 'agreed levels' is? Better than 50 per cent? Striving I have no problem with, unrealistic expectations chill me to my core."
– to increase our test and ODI rankings to agreed levels.
"I'm going to have to insist here that top six in all three formats should get me a Telecom-like bonus, not just a pass mark. Have you seen us play lately?"
– to increase overall batting performance of the side.
"Batting is the only thing that needs fixing? Seriously? Oh right, Damien Wright and Trent Woodhill have jobs too. Do their lists also double as a full roll of loo paper like mine?"
– to win or make the semifinals of the ODI World Cup in 2015.
"No pressure then. May I suggest we open the bowling with an off-spinner and stack the side with slow medium-pacers?"
– preferably to have international playing experience, ideally for New Zealand.
"Like John Wright did?"
– proven world-class coach as demonstrated by previous results.
"Like John Wright was?"
– strong practical experience in developing elite players ...
"Like John Wright had? Why on earth didn't you guys just re-appoint him?"
Skills and knowledge
– competent in the use of current Microsoft Office Suite products, particularly Outlook and Word.
"Oh, I see why now – that's a biggie."
– Preferred: Tertiary qualification in sports management or a related discipline.
"I'm glad that's just a preference. I went to school to eat lunch and play cricket."
– Thinks before talking to the media, knows that journalists are looking for a story that will sell.
"That's a personal attribute, thinking? Oh yeah, right, damn media, nosy gits – they'll probably just write something smarmy and condescending ..."