Rugged good looks passport to All Blacks

BY PHIL GIFFORD

OPINION: Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium in a leaky wooden shed in Paris. The Wright brothers invented the aeroplane in a bike shop in Dayton, Ohio.

If not on quite the same level, an idea that could revolutionise All Blacks selection emerged this week at the Papa Aroha camping ground, north of Coromandel.

Amid the exotic fumes of mosquito repellent, in the gentle light of a gas lantern, a group of women, ranging from the teenaged to the grandmotherly, suggested that, to attract more women to the game, the NZRU should ignore form as a criteria for All Blacks selection, and instead pick purely on looks.

There were, for a mere male observer, surprises. Some more sensitive All Blacks, especially props, are advised to stop reading right now. This is how the team panned out.

Mils Muliaina came close with his "sweetness", but Cory Jane took the fullback spot on the grounds of being more edgy.

Zac Guildford romped one wing ("lovely" was the most common description), but for the other the NZRU was urged to move heaven and earth to get Doug Howlett back, on the basis, in this order, of "legs, hair and teeth".

No shock at centre. Conrad Smith may be likeable and have a law degree, but Richard Kahui was the unanimous choice.

Ma'a Nonu was the second-five, for what was described as his teddy bear qualities. If you're reading this Ma'a, please remember I'm only reporting what the women said, I've never thought of you as soft and cuddly.

With just one dissenting vote from the grandmother corner ("he's a bit too perfect") Dan Carter for first-five was passed by acclaim, not to mention eye-rolling and some heavy breathing.

Halfback saw a sharp division between Andy Ellis ("nice hair") and Jimmy Cowan, who won support from the "we like bad boys" voting bloc, some of whom felt, given the chance, their influence could smooth out any sharp edges. In the end, nice hair won the day.

Training ground shots of Rodney So'oialo without a shirt sealed his selection at No8, and Richie McCaw fans will be pleased to hear he apparently ticked all the boxes, from looks to good manners.

Blindside flanker produced a bolter. Liam Messam's dark eyes (which apparently smoulder) and Kahui-like smile swept the Kaino-Read-Thompson challenge aside.

The eyes did it for Isaac Ross too. They were described as soulful, and male assertions that perhaps they were just expressing unhappiness about not making the end of year tour were met with a sobering amount of scorn.

If you've never thought of Brad Thorn as an object of female attraction, neither had the teenage section of the panel, but at the more mature end he was a red-hot favourite.

In Cougar World his shirts would apparently demand constant ironing, which in turn would require him to patiently wait shirtless while steam wafted around the ironing board.

There were problems in the front row. The choice of hooker went outside the square to bring in Hika Elliott, chosen for his "sparkiness", but picking props almost stumped the by-now slightly chardonnay-impaired panel. Completely ignoring the theory that props provide a depth of character that goes beyond superficial looks, Jamie Mackintosh, "because he seems a nice guy", was one, and, "if he trimmed the mullet", Clint Newlands the other.

On the bench were Victor Vito, "good looking and intelligent", and Stephen Donald, who suffered from the Carter factor.

I'm not sure that John Mitchell will be delighted that he was picked as coach, given that the selling point was how he's got "lovely soft eyes, sort of like a jersey cow".

And I can only apologise to Joe Stanley, who was wanted running on the field as the water boy, preferably garbed in Ivan Cleary style high-cut shorts.

- © Fairfax NZ News