I don't want to be lonely anymore
My eating disorder has become just another part of my life, to the point where purging is the norm to me.
I am not overweight. I am not skinny. I am an average woman, currently 63kg, the heaviest I have been in five years.
I have had bulimia for 10 years. The most I have weighed is 74kg. The least I have weighed is 56kg. At 56kg I was purging everything I ate, if I ate anything at all. I was in a dark place, I was going out four nights a week and I'm sure the only nutrition I got was in a bottle of wine.
Growing up, I was always overweight. I was a dancer, I was very talented but was told from an early age I was too fat and I would never make it as a professional. It broke my heart and that's where it all began.
My friend lost a lot of weight and people would comment on how great she looked. even though we all knew it was due to her eating disorder. I wanted to be her, she was pretty and talented. She started to give me tips on what foods to eat when you go out as they are the easiest to purge.
It was so easy and the weight fell off. I started to get compliments. I dyed my hair blonde and for the first time, I felt attractive. So why should I stop?
Bulimia has ruled my life to the point where I can no longer go out and enjoy myself socially without thinking and stewing over the calories in everything. My eating disorder has become so important to me that I have pushed loved ones away, just so they don't judge me and my choices.
There were times I would hide a bucket in my car just so my flatmates never found out. It was pretty easy finding a quite street where no one could see what you were doing in the car.
I have stopped purging, knowing that what I was doing is wrong for my body, but I always go back to it. It doesn't judge you, it makes me feel in control.
I have had bulimia for 10 years and I can honestly say I want to stop, I want my life back, I don't want to be lonely anymore.
The author's name has been withheld to protect her identity.
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