'I felt like my body had failed me'
Breaking the miscarriage taboo
After three healthy pregnancies, I was expecting to carry on with another.
It came as a shock to me that we were expecting again, my husband and I were overjoyed with the news as this would be the final child to enter our family.
I found out at five weeks that I was pregnant and booked in to see our very popular midwife, then I bided the time till we could have our 12 week scan.
Due to some medical issues I had been at the gynaecologist who had told us we were five weeks along and all we could see was a tiny heartbeat.
I was about eight weeks along when I had some light bleeding. I rung my midwife who suggested I go and see my GP as she was busy for the day with a birth.
My GP suggested that it was implantation bleeding and ordered some blood tests. These all came back normal, and my light bleeding turned to spotting and stopped altogether.
My GP had given me a scan form for my 12 week scan and I booked that in none the wiser as to what was to come.
We had arranged for my sister-in-law to look after the bigger kids while we went to the scan, although I don't even know why as we had taken them to the other scans with each child that came along.
I remember lying on that bed and the sonographer asking me if I was sure of my dates, that "I'm sorry but you're not 12 weeks pregnant, you're only six and we can't see a heartbeat."
My heart sunk, and both my husband and I explained to the sonographer that yes we were sure, and what we had seen at the gynaecologist. She suggested we head home and wait to hear from our midwife with the scan report.
My midwife rung me 20 minutes after we got home and my husband answered the phone. By this stage I was a mess, and when she ordered more blood tests, I knew. I just knew straight away when she rung after the second test that it wasn't good, my HCG levels were dropping but were still higher than where they should have been for 12 weeks.
We opted for a dilation and curettage up at the hospital. The nursing staff were all very clinical - I was booked for the week after and they hoped that things would go naturally.
Our surgery date came and we explained to our older children that their aunt and uncle were going to be looking after them because mummy had to go to the hospital.
The surgical staff were lovely - they took me for a scan to ensure that there was no heartbeat and gave me my premed.
The rest is pretty foggy till I went into recovery. I woke with a start and it hit me - I was no longer pregnant. My body had failed me, I was in tears and the staff came and got my husband to sit bedside me while they comforted me.
Before I went into surgery they asked me if I wanted to have product of conception. It was my baby, not a product, I found that term harder than anything else to get my head around.
My pregnancy tissue was sent to the lab for testing to see if they could work out why I had miscarried, I was given no explanation and a week later I could collect it from the hospital.
I asked my GP why this had happened and she told me that it was an unfortunate thing that happens in one in four pregnancies, then she told me that the reason my period hadn't returned was because I was pregnant again.
I was terrified! I received fantastic support through my GP and midwife and that pregnancy turned out to be my very active now 3-and-a-half year old.
It was a pregnancy where I was scared to hope and feel till I was past that crucial stage.
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