How to tell if it's 'real deal' love
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Many would assume that being a single woman and a marriage celebrant would be torture. And though I admit that talking about the joy of finding love immediately after a break up can be challenging, on the most part I find it really uplifting.
When you are regularly treated to personal accounts of the love stories of couples, you learn that love happens every day. So there is always hope, you never know when you’ll find your person. But how will we know when we find them?
I have the honour of being a voyeur on the sidelines of love. I get to ask couples who are in the most confident time of their relationships: How did you meet? What is extraordinary about your relationship? Why do you believe this relationship is the one that will last forever?
After five years of asking these personal questions, I have noticed some commonalities. If you’re wondering how to know if it’s the real deal, how to know if he/she is the person for you, here are the things I suggest you look out for.
1. "The first night we met we talked and talked all night. We were so involved in our conversation we didn’t notice that the bar/restaurant was closing, all the other customers had left and the staff were waiting for us to leave!"
I hear this one very often. They were mesmerised by one another, the conversation flowed easily and they were interested in what the other said and wanted to hear more and more and more.
They did not want the night to end.
If you only end the date because the venue kicks you out, or you keep on extending the date (eg. shall we get dessert, drinks, go for a walk?), or you stay up all night talking (not having sex) then that is a very very good sign. This person is special.
2. "It just works. It’s the easiest relationship I’ve ever had."
These couples have found bliss in the ease of a relationship that exists without drama. They have had a repeating issue with a few of their previous partners, but with this person they don’t have to worry.
There are no ongoing arguments keeping them up at night, there is no anxiety when their partner goes out with their friends alone, or decides to have a fourth glass of wine. The most important qualities they value are trust and friendship.
If you love spending time together doing the simple things in life, you're onto a good thing. PHOTO: 123RF.COM
It is not passion that holds them together, but a surety that this person will always be there for them, will always be a friend and an ally.
They are the best of friends and generally have a great time together, even when doing simple everyday stuff like cooking dinner or walking the dog. They have found a rock to depend on and a soft place to fall.
They have said goodbye forever to their rollercoaster relationships of the past. Instead with this person they can foresee a life of comfort, happiness and ease, and they have realised that that is exactly the life they want.
3. "I wasn’t keen on him at first because he wasn’t my usual type, but he kept chasing me till I finally gave him a chance. Once we started dating I realised pretty quickly that he was exactly what I needed."
Here’s the example : The woman who usually goes for buff brown-haired rugby guys is asked out by a lanky blonde man in a suit. She doesn’t feel an automatic attraction so she counts him out.
She’s not playing hard to get, she is hard to get. He however is so smitten he does not give up. He is relentless, but not in a stalker way.
After a few polite invitations, she decides to take a chance. The roles are set, he is the chaser and she is the prize.
As the relationship develops, she sees him in a new light. He makes her laugh, she notices his kind eyes and soon she falls in love.
He will never want for another because he retains the feeling of winning her, the prize he fought so hard to win, and therefore he always appreciates her presence in his life.
She feels lucky to have changed her unsuccessful relationship patterns of the past. This guy is different, she’s found what she never knew she needed and feels more cherished than ever before.
Nagging doesn't have to be the downfall of your relationship. PHOTO: 123RF.COM
4. The nagger and the sloth.
Believe it or not, this is a common couple I come across that's incredibly happy. They love the way they compliment each other’s lives. It’s a classic case of opposites attract.
He is the easygoing guy, having a laugh, coasting through life, freely admitting he’s a bit lazy. She is an ambitious go-getter who strives for excellence, struggles with stress and has trouble winding down. When these two come together they have a little friction at first as they navigate their differences. But after a while they see how the other greatly improves their life.
The man will say: "I know it sounds weird, but I like it that she nags me. Before I was with her I never got much done, but now with her pushing me, I have achieved so much and I feel so much better about myself because of it. She makes me a better person."
The woman will say: "I can get really stressed out and anxious with work and everything. But being with him , he is so chilled out, he relaxes me so much. With him I don’t sweat the small stuff and I enjoy life a lot more. He makes me happy."
Now, of course, if you are not a sloth or a nagger, there can still be a combo to be on the look out for. It’s somebody who, like you, has their flaws, but magically these flaws complement your own.
You balance each other in some way and bring out the best. Together you are so much stronger than you are alone. This person makes you feel better about yourself - you can enjoy life more, achieve more and do so much better with them by your side.
Of course there are many different beginnings to love and various kinds of couples, but these are the common love stories I’ve heard over and over from those about to tie the knot. I figure there’s got to be something in that, right?!
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