Now it's men who feel uneasy about sexual predators

Nearly one in three men say they have felt pressured to have sex or have done so unwillingly, according to the Sunday Star-Times national men's survey.

Men in their late 30s and early 40s and those in the main cities are more likely to say they've been the victim of an unwanted advance.

The survey, conducted by Phoenix Research on behalf of the paper, attracted more than 5600 replies and asked about casual sex, prostitution, sexual fulfilment and confidence and numbers of sexual partners.

One in five men admitted they'd had sex with someone else in their current relationship, but men in their 20s were more loyal than those in their late 30s and early 40s, nearly a quarter of whom admitted an affair.

And in a wake-up call for those who think teenage years are sexually wild, the survey found 29% of our blokes in that age group were virgins though that dropped dramatically to 6% in the next age group up, 20-24.

Just under half of the teenagers admitted they were not sexually confident compared with just 16% of men aged 35-49.

More than a third of teenage boys aged 16-19 thought female attitudes to casual sex were too relaxed. Just 43% of teenagers felt women were about right in their attitudes, compared with 60% of men aged 35-49.

Predictably, older men were also more likely to find women "too relaxed" about casual sex 36% of those aged 50 to 64, and nearly 50% of the 65-plus group.

Other key findings included:

82% of participants were OK with prostitution being legalised, and 23% said they'd had sex with a prostitute.

The median number of sexual partners for men was 8. But there was a huge range, with one man claiming more than 4000 partners, and several well into the hundreds (the Casanova with 4000 liaisons was in the 20-24-year age bracket, which meant he'd averaged a different sexual partner each day since the age of 12. We didn't believe him). Only 8% claimed 50 or more partners, while 2% claimed none and 11% one partner.

Sexual fulfilment increased as men aged, with nearly 30% of seniors saying they felt "very" fulfilled 8% up on men in their early 20s.

Men on the highest household incomes ($150,000 a year and up) were more likely to admit an affair 26% compared to just 17% of those who earned up to $20,000.

Higher incomes also equated with a more sanguine approach to women's attitudes to casual sex 62% of those on the highest incomes (nearly 1000 participants) felt women had it right about casual sex, compared to just under half of those on the lowest incomes.

Psychologist Sara Chatwin said she wasn't surprised by figures which showed men having sex they didn't necessarily want. She saw men in her practice who felt unnerved by the predatory women they met socially and who preferred the more traditional approach to relationships.

"They'll say, `Boy, women these days, they're go-getters. Buy them a drink and they're offering sex."'

Women had sent them racy texts and pxts they hadn't asked for "and they feel that's an odd kind of dynamic".

Of the teen virgins, Chatwin says that while STD rates were rising, there was also a group of boys usually in higher socio-economic groups who were making wiser choices. Our survey group could be more representative of them than teens as a whole.

The survey also found men would rather have love than money. Nearly half the participants said a stable loving relationship was the most important thing in their lives 80% put it in their top three.

The other main characteristics men value are providing for their families through work, and spending time with their children both rated equally.

Study director David Fougere, of Phoenix Research, said that although the importance of being a good provider climbed markedly with age, spending time with children remained very strong right into old age.

Being a productive member of society was the next highest ranked 24% of men put it in their top three and this remained strong right into old age.

Getting rich was picked by only 9% of men as one of their top three values. It was highest among teenagers and men in their 20s, and fell off strikingly from about age 35.

Christchurch radio host and father of four Simon Barnett said the findings didn't surprise him.

"I read somewhere that the greatest thing a man can do for his children is to love the mother of his children, and I think that's really nice.

"When you've been married 10 to 15 years you don't have the same feelings you had when you got married and people assume that means you've fallen out of love. But once you put the romance back, the feelings come back."

 

- © Fairfax NZ News