How your fighting is damaging your kids

BY CATHERINE WOULFE

A TOP academic has warned parents they risk long-term psychological damage to their children by arguing frequently or even giving each other the silent treatment.

Professor Gordon Harold, the new chair of a ground-breaking family research unit at Otago University, says while all parents fight, the way they treat each other could set children up for emotional, social, behavioural and academic problems later in life.

Harold's research, which has been influential in the United Kingdom and United States, could revolutionise New Zealand parenting courses, and could also be used by our Family Courts.

Harold has found that when parents quarrel in a positive, non-hostile way, children "tend to do OK".

But when parents argue often, and use negative tactics anything from being physically violent to shouting, ridiculing one another or using dismissive body language children are at "distinct risk".

Less obvious hostility between couples, such as not speaking, or treating each other coldly, could also damage children. The biggest factor was when arguments were not resolved, and when children blamed themselves for parents' fights.

Children in these households showed problems on a par with those whose parents were divorcing, Harold said.

"How couples behave towards each other matters," Harold told the Sunday Star-Times. "It's raising awareness about what is said [during arguments], how it's said and how it's resolved, rather than whether or not it happens."

Yesterday Children's Commissioner John Angus said it was great to have Harold in New Zealand and his research could lead to real change.

"The research will get us thinking. Parenting programmes are so often about how we parents are going to deal with difficult behaviours in our children. In a sense, what Gordon Harold is saying is that difficult behaviours between parents, children have to deal with them. It's almost like tipping it on its head."

Harold's research on families and children is already informing the UK government's domestic violence policy and in Wales his work fed into an official Parenting Action Plan, while a risk-assessment tool he developed is being used by the Welsh Family Court.

Last week a new project got the green light and $424,000 funding from the UK's prestigious Nuffield Foundation.

Led by Harold, this two-year research project will work out how best to help the 10,000 New Zealand children whose parents divorce every year. Results would likely be used to train court officers to identify at-risk children, and to better target support programmes at them.

"This could see a radical overhaul of the family justice system in support of children," Harold said.

"This [project] is an absolute first and will take place here in New Zealand."

Angus said after meeting Harold one of the first things he did was visit principal Family Court Judge Peter Boshier, who also intends to follow up the research.

Harold moved his young family to Dunedin seven months ago after almost two decades working in the UK and the US, teaching thousands of couples to argue in ways that were less likely to harm their children. He said most parents already argued in non-harmful ways, but others were shocked to hear they could be damaging their children.

"What's surprising is that households that would ordinarily stand out as being normal and functional, when attention is brought to how they are managing couple conflicts, a surprising number are receptive that they could do things better."

Now Harold wants to help Kiwi families, with the goal of seeing his research put into practice "on a day-to-day basis in every possible household".

Harold wants to bring the programmes he used overseas here and has also submitted proposals for several large-scale studies on New Zealand families. He would not discuss details but said his core question was "which children are most likely to go on and experience problems?"

To protect their children, couples should accept that conflict is normal, Harold said, but avoid hostility when they argued: so no shouting, putting each other down or using dismissive body language.

It was crucial that parents genuinely made up after every argument. It was worse to fake it, Harold said, as children could always tell and the deception could make them even more anxious.

"Do they have to see the parents make up? No. Do they have to be aware that the parents have made up? Yes."

That could mean anything from sitting the children down to tell them everything was OK, to simply spending time with your spouse after an argument.

"My parents quarrelled... If I saw my mum and dad sipping a cup of tea later and offering to top each other's cup up, everything was fine."

Many parents thought it better to argue in another room, Harold said. But this could actually be worse as children could worry what the argument was about, and whether it was about them.

Angus said the two findings that stuck with him most were that each child reacted differently to parents' arguments, and those affected most badly were the ones who blamed themselves.

"That makes it, I think, really important that parents find ways to let their children know that it's not their fault that mum and dad aren't getting on... Sometimes it means both parents being sure to sit down and tell the children how much you love them."

- © Fairfax NZ News