GOSSIP QUIZ: Year of the fat pig

What with Lindsay Lohan in rehab and Paris in Rwanda, it was a fairly quiet year for useless trash celebrities but you could always rely on Britney Spears to provide something new, outrageous and tragic. Quizmaster Steve Braunias tests your knowledge of tabloid gossip.

1 OK, LET'S start nice and easy. Name the useless trash celebrity who provided the year's best magazine coverline, when she was quoted as saying after her wretched come-back performance, I LOOKED LIKE A FAT PIG.

2 AGAIN, EASY. Name the fabulous LA hotel where all the useless trash celebrities stay including Lindsay Lohan, otherwise known as LL, who ran up a $500,000 bill.

3 WHAT WITH being in the Promises rehab in Malibu and the Cirque rehab in Utah, LL had a fairly quiet year. She also had money problems. Name the black rapper whom she hit up for a $23,000 loan.

a) Eminem

b) 50 Cent

c) Tupac

4 WHAT HAPPENED to Lisa Robertson on Qantas flight 123 from Darwin to Mumbai?

5 ON A similar theme, an onlooker in search of a life timed how long Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal shared a toilet on a flight from Frankfurt to LA. It clocked in at

a) One minute

b) 11 minutes

c) One hour, 11 minutes

6 UNFORTUNATE OLD slapper Sophie Anderton, a former model, was busted in an English tabloid sting when an undercover journalist taped her offering her services as a call girl. Sophie's fee for the night was

a) $240

b) $2400

c) $24,000

7 NAME THE obviously extremely sane old bat who urged consumers to save the planet by substituting cow's milk with rat's milk.

8 THROWING SPAGHETTI bolognese backstage during a wild fit at the MTV Awards in Munich was perhaps the least mad thing done this year by which quite beautiful, quite brilliant, and quite tortured English pop star whose husband is in jail?

9 NAME THE tragic ex-Friends star spotted dating Mandy Moore at Beverly Hills restaurant Trattoria Amici.

10 NAME THE rather sad ex-Friends star spotted dating Orlando Bloom at the One & Only Palmilla resort in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

11 WHAT WITH being banged up, and then doing good works or something in China and Rwanda, Paris Hilton had a fairly quiet year. But she made a spectacle of herself recently at Miami's Mansion Club, when she made a loud and aggressive play for an ex-boyfriend, a 26-year-old heir to a Greek shipping fortune who is also a useless trash celebrity in his own right. It's always such a pleasure to read his ridiculous name. What is it?

12 PARIS REPORTEDLY had a brief fling with Alex Vaggo, who works as a

a) TV repairman

b) Pizza deliveryman

c) Man

13 PARIS REPORTEDLY hired a professional zookeeper to look after her 11 dogs, three ferrets, three dogs, two rabbits and two

a) Monkeys

b) Godwits

c) Elephants

14 THIS IS just too easy. Paris charges a standard fee between $54,000 and $163,000 to do what?

15 AFTER HIS reported suicide attempt, Owen Wilson paid $850 a day for a

a) Call girl

b) Pizza deliveryman

c) Sober companion

16 ONLOOKERS SAID Wilson "could barely walk" when he got plastered on shots of Patron Silver on the rocks at the Viceroy Hotel in Santa Monica. What is Patron Silver?

a) Tequila

b) Whisky

c) Vodka

17 HILARY DUFF shocked onlookers with her antics at New York club Tenjune when she performed dirty dance routines and slugged back Verve Clicquot out of

a) her shoe

b) the bottle

c) an ashtray

18 ORLANDO BLOOM smashed his Toyota into a parked Porsche after leaving Hollywood club Green Door at 2.15am. Or did he smash his Porsche into a parked Toyota?

19 NAME THE High School Musical sweetheart who had to endure nude photographs of herself circulating on the internet and then in National Enquirer.

20 PAMELA ANDERSON married Rick Salomon, the guy who co-starred with Paris Hilton in the short film One Night in Paris. Her affectionate nickname for him is

a) Slum

b) Scum

c) Skid

21 WHEN MR and Mrs Beckham gave their first press conference after arriving in LA, Victoria wore a hot pink dress designed by

a) Christian Loubouton

b) Karen Walker

c) Roland Mouret

22 ANDREW MORTON will sell lots of books when he publishes his forthcoming expose of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Revelations include his inference that Tom is not the birth father of Suri Morton claims the birth certificate was signed by a nurse who never laid eyes on the baby. Anyway, name the dead useless trash celebrity whom Morton previously wrote about and sold lots of books.

23 KYLIE MINOGUE reportedly had Botox injections in her

a) Hands

b) Feet

c) Arse

24 NAME THE silly old slapper with a mad rock star husband and two monstrous kids who denied reports that she once smeared Elton John's Rolls-Royce with her own faeces.

25 A 45-YEAR-OLD rather washed-up actress, once married to the guys in question 36, had an Endotine Midface lift this year. It's quite brilliant. An incision is made in the temple, and saggy cheeks are lifted up with a long, absorbable plastic device; the scars are hidden inside the mouth. Who got it?

26 HEADLINE: BRAD BEGS `STOP BOOZING'! Apparently Ange went on a bender at Japanois restaurant in Toronto, where she knocked back

a) Vodka mojitos

b) Whisky sours

c) Tequila slammers

27 HEADLINE: SHUT UP AND LOOK PRETTY! Apparently Ange bitched about Brad for hours at Sir Harry's, a hotel bar in New York. Name the hotel.

a) Chateau Marmont

b) The Langham

c) Waldorf-Astoria

28 HEADLINE: BRAD'S FURY AT ANGE'S NEW MAN. Apparently Brad is jealous of Ange's bodyguard. "It's obvious they have more than just an employer-employee relationship," blathered body language expert Janine Driver. The bodyguard's nickname is

a) Chisel

b) Hammer

c) Tong

29 MAD, BAD, and dangerous to her own health, Britney Spears did nothing quietly in 2007. The day after she lost custody of her sons Sean Preston and Jayden James, she went out and spent $20,000 on

a) Chandeliers

b) Books

c) Pizza

30 IN COURT depositions, Lisa Hacker said, "Ms Spears rarely engaged the children in conversation or play." Ms Hacker is

a) A body language expert

b) A parenting coach

c) A sober companion

31 IT WAS reported Britney smashed six what in two months?

a) Chandeliers

b) Porsches

c) Mobile phones

32 BEFORE APPEARING onstage for her disastrous comeback performance at the MTV Awards, Britney reportedly took Xanax. True or false: one of the side-effects of the drug is urinating less than usual or not at all.

33 BRITNEY ENDED the year supposedly up the duff to one guy, and secretly wed to another guy. Pals say that Sam Lufti, whom she may have married, is only after her money. True or false: Brit is worth an estimated $114m

34 NAME THE family member who committed suicide in 1966, when she held a 12-gauge shotgun to her chest, and pressed the trigger with her toe.

a) Britney's sister

b) Britney's mother

c) Britney's grandmother

35 EVERYTHING ABOUT Britney Spears in 2007 points to a tragedy in waiting. Two words: Anna Nicole Smith. OK, that's three words, but it's all the same to tabloids, who will write about useless trash celebrities long after they're dead. In October, there was "mounting speculation" that charges will be laid in Smith's "murder mystery". Suspicion has fallen on Dr Sandeep Kapoor, her doctor, who has labelled his practice as "entertainment medicine". How many pills were found in her room after she died?

a) 60

b) 600

c) 6000

36 KID ROCK and Tommy Lee came to blows at the MTV Awards. Throughout, the Kid

a) Smoked a cigar

b) Combed his hair

c) Sent text messages

37 NAME THE handsome, happily married father of one and Hollywood B-lister many say his greatest performance was in a TV commercial for Lynx deodorant who has lost an estimated 18kg by allowing himself to digest only 7500 kilojoules a day.

38 EYEBROWS WERE raised when George Clooney started seeing Sarah Larson, whose only claim to fame is that she once won $55,000 by drinking what substance on Fear Factor?

a) Charlie's

b) Blood

c) Rat's milk

39 OH, AND it was revealed that Sarah likes going out with girlfriends, getting trashed, and playing a game with each other to see who has the longest tongue. The game is called

a) Ellen

b) Yum yum

c) Lick better

40 NAME THE completely preposterous 37-year-old music mogul whose entourage of 30 includes a full-time barber, barman, chef, tailor, someone to carry his diamond iPod, and someone to hold an umbrella in case it rains.

41 THE FABULOUS Jessica Alba said this year, "Making lots of money has made me...

a) ...rich."

b) ...guilty."

c) ...happy."

42 NAME THE faintly ridiculous rock star who was dumped by his famous English model girlfriend not long after he had an affair with South African shampoo model Lindi Hangston.

43 "SHE DOES not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like a certain position, and thinks that sperm gives acne," said French model Alexandra Paressant of Eva Longoria, after claiming she had an affair with Longoria's husband, Tony Parker, three months after the couple's wedding. Paressant's previous 15 seconds of fame is due to the fact she is the former girlfriend of which Brazilian football genius?

44 COMPLETE THE sentence. James Blunt said this year, "I once found myself in a swimming pool in Los Angeles with nine...

a) ...pizza deliverymen."

b) ...naked models."

c) ...dollars."

45 JESSICA SIMPSON was photographed getting the heel of her platform stilettos stuck in the grating outside New York club Cipriani. This is

a) Very interesting

b) Strangely depressing

c) The end of the quiz

ANSWERS

1. Britney Spears 2. Chateau Marmont 3. b 4. She had sex with Ralph Fiennes 5. b 6. c 7. Heather Mills-McCartney 8. Amy Winehouse 9. Matthew Perry 10. Jennifer Aniston 11. Stavros Niarchos III 12. b 13. a 14. Make public appearances 15. c 16. a 17. b 18. He was driving a Toyota 19. Vanessa Hudgens 20. b 21. c 22. Princess Diana 23. b 24. Sharon Osbourne 25. Pamela Anderson 26. a 27. c 28. a 29. a 30. b 31. c 32. True 33. True 34. c 35. b 36. a 37. Ben Affleck 38. b 39. c 40. Diddy 41. c 42. Pete Doherty 43. Ronaldinho 44. b 45. c HOW YOU SCORED 35-45: Amazing. Well done! You are keenly alert to what is truly happening in the world today. Keep taking that Xanax. 25-35: You want to know what's truly happening in the world today. Give yourself an extra point, and another Xanax, for trying. 15-25: You probably think you're a balanced individual. Maybe you are, but have you thought about taking Xanax? It might do you some good. 0-15: Amazing. Well done! There's a kind of beauty in being so ignorant about what is truly happening in the world today. Take two Xanax, and have a nice lie-down: you deserve it.

 

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