OZ vs NZ: The BIG showdown

10 REASONS WHY NZ IS BETTER THAN OZ

1. Australians have silly accents: "Have a look at theeeess", "I'm going in the pewel", and everything is shortened: servo, ambo, bottle-o, avo, cossie, dero, milko, reffo, Salvos. "Us? Us? Do people know that the word 'falafel' actually has vowels in in. Have you heard of vowels you poor bastards? Then why do you pronounce it 'flfl'?"

2. The beaches are great but you can't swim at them for the box jellyfish and sharks. "Listen, as one who has spent most of the summer lying by the waves as people rub me down with wet towels while they make soft mewing sounds, before trying to drag me back out to sea, I am very sensitive to criticism of our beaches. You bloody Kiwis don't seem to have any trouble with Bondi, now do you?!"

3. The TV is crap: "Now which nation had a major hit on its hand with A Game of Two Halves? Australia or NZ? I dinkum rest my case. And I say that as one who has appeared on that show many times."

4. Their indigenous people die even earlier than in NZ (15 years vs 8 difference to the general population), and didn't get the vote till just recently.

5. The state schools are not as good, and you have to pay for quality private schools: "That is nonsense. I went to a state primary school, and sixth form was the best four years of my life."

6. The fresh food (vegetables, fruit etc) is not as good, probably due to rain being a rare occurrence and flies not.

7. Australians love taking the mickey but can't take a joke: "What's the best thing about having Robbie Deans as Wallaby coach? It's just great to see a Kiwi living in Australia with a job."

8. They lose more days to industrial disputes: "You'd have industrial disputes too, if only you had any industry worthy of the name."

9. The country is in perpetual drought, so they put timers on showers, and people shoot their neighbour for hosing at the wrong time of day.

10. They have three layers of government, so three times the bureaucracy and bickering.

Peter FitzSimons is a journalist and author of several books, including Charles Kingsford Smith and Those Magnificent Men and And Now for Some Light Relief: the Genuinely Funny Joke Book.

PLUS 7 REASONS WHY OZ SEEMS QUITE GOOD

1. Its sports teams win. "It's because if they're not quick and co-ordinated, they die. In Australia everything kills you."

2. Government largesse like grants that offer first-home buyers thousands to set up house. "There's a little thing called stamp duty, so they give with one hand and take away with the other. The art of deception is deeply entrenched in their convict culture."

3. Economies of scale: more companies = more jobs = being able to choose your employer. Lack of competition = expensive air tickets, phone calls and electricity bills.

4. The TV sucks though they do have ABC and SBS. "At least NZ has NZ TV. The Aussies try to emulate the Yanks without having the money, so you end up with a pale imitation of America."

5. The cost of living versus wages. "When your country's made of gold and iron ore, you can laugh it up. But the time is coming when China has built everything it needs, the Aussies won't be quite so smug."

6. Our cities are death traps for cyclists. "It's hard to argue because I've been biking to work here and I've already had two incidents. Cycling would unite the countries. If we had a cycleway between the two countries it would be a wonderful thing."

7. The price of chicken and dairy products in NZ. "If that's the comparison, I would suggest they step outside their supermarkets and look at their mountain ranges – they are pimples compared to ours. Maybe their milk is cheaper, but I only need mention one word: water."

Jeremy Corbett is the host of TV3's 7 Days, which will return later this year.

- © Fairfax NZ News