My destiny awaits; it's a life of Brian

By MICHAEL LAWS - Sunday Star Times

WHEN I have retired from all public life – or been retired by ungrateful buggers with neither appreciation of talent nor genius (otherwise known as the John Campbell complex) – I'm going to create my own church.

Note, church. Not religion. It would be hard to perfect the range of spiritual choices out there already, but a church has the ability to reinterpret. And so I will become a direct voice-piece for God.

I like to think I play that role now, so it should not be such a stretch. God has clearly chosen persons whom He favours, and I figure, why can't I be the most recent favourite?

There are bits of Catholicism I adore, especially the splendid vestments and garments. And I really like the idea that you can't dial direct if you are a Catholic. You must go through the especial priesthood.

That said, there are aspects of Protestantism I quite like too. The ability to reproduce being a bloody important one. A celibate life, even at 60, doesn't strike me as much fun. We were made to make whoopee.

Then there aspects of Buddhism that appeal. Not the reincarnation bit – the idea of coming back as a dung beetle does not appeal. I've already worked in local government and isn't that the equivalent?

But I quite like the selfishness of Buddhism. That you can chant your way to a Porsche and not feel in the least guilty for seeking stuff for yourself. Or seeking to realign the universe via some simple solace.

Then there is the muscularity of Islam. The intolerance of the infidel and the cessation of the Christian mandate that you must always love all your fellow men. The Muslims are right: there are some people unworthy of love.

Then add a touch of Judaism. That exclusive and intelligent clannishness with its acceptance that you are one of the Chosen, and the rest of humanity is just dead unlucky.

Add a sprinkling of something earthy and spicy like the witchy Wiccans and I think you could pretend to blend the supernatural with the natural and anoint yourself as the Holy Vessel. That's before you even consider the tax advantage of being a charitable religious trust.

Throw in some hysterical adoration from hand-picked Vestal Virgins, a regular tithing of my obedient flock, and a mini-Nuremberg rally every Sunday and hey. Stuff being mayor of the Super City. Instead – real power, real money and no real accountability. Ah, the perfect life.

So I don't blame Bishop Brian Tamaki for having the balls and the brains to have already stamped out his own ground.

He tends to hoover up the broken brown boys and girls of South Auckland and who knows? Attending a Destiny service this morning must be way better than carrying a hangover and the aftermath of a night of violence, dysfunction and drugs.

Which is probably why we white, university educated, middle class look down our nose at the cultish covenants and carry-on that is Brian Tamaki.

But that is unfair. Because the Destiny Church is a relationship between consenting adults. There are no hidden mirrors, there is no smoke machine. Tamaki's insistence upon protocols and behaviour bonds is escapable. Nothing and no one obliges the flock to fasten. They can escape through the front door, the back door or any of the side doors marked "exit".

And he's right: what he offers is better than the background that so many of his adherents have escaped from. For many, he is the reason they escaped. No other church, welfare agency or social group provided that path. Tamaki and the Destiny Church did.

Sure they're crackpots. But they're harmless crackpots. They are not Scientologists nor Solar Temple suicides. It is just old-fashioned Christian religion with old-fashioned notions of the charismatic pastor.

In fact, go back 100 years and the same comments were made of the Salvation Army's "General" Booth and 100 years before that, of John Wesley's Methodists. Each had an autocratic leader with a unique twist upon an old tale. And each was vilified by mainstream churches envious of their energy.

And then ask yourself this question: would you prefer your neighbour were a Mongrel Mob member or a Destiny Church adherent?

Because it has so often been that kind of choice for so many of Tamaki's flock.

The smart and the cynical will say that Tamaki is a sexist, power-hungry homophobe with a God complex. They are probably right. So what? His sway barely extends beyond the footfall of the front door of his congregations.

Destiny attempted to politicise itself in 2008 and was shunned by the electorate.

It exists solely for its adherents and practises nothing more bizarre than the filiality of most corporate companies.

You want genuine weirdness? Try the self-help antics of the sales industry.

Leave him alone, I say. He's doing more good than harm and there are way more toxic cults that seek to brainwash and abuse. Besides, he has set a template for my retirement.

mlaws@radiolive.co.nz