Join Aussie? You're kidding

BY ERIC YOUNG

OPINION: A POLL TELLS us nearly 25% of New Zealanders and 37% of Australians believe it is inevitable that one day our two countries will be one.

Note the language. Not merely possible. Not simply likely. Not something we'll have a think about over the weekend and get back to you on Monday. Inevitable. I know, it shocked me too.

It reminded me of a line an old boss of mine used to pull out at moments like this: "If you don't think you're going to like the answer, don't ask the question."

Sometimes, just sometimes, he was telling us, ignorance really is bliss.

So, could someone explain to me what's so inevitable about holding hands with our nearest neighbour when most days we don't even like them? All that sand. All those accents. This has to be fought.

I mean, we tried being run from Sydney once before and it didn't work

Geographically, we remain quite close. Sydney is 1000km closer to Auckland than it is to Perth. Which is odd when you think about it, because we never seem further apart than we do on the sports field.

So if we can't fight it on a political, economic or social front, then how about a sporting one?

The only consolation I'm taking from the poll is that 75% of Kiwis and 63% of Australians still recognise the fundamental differences between our nations will always speak with a louder voice than the similarities.

Still, some of you will remain unconvinced. Give me a reason, you say.

Hell, I'll give you seven.

1 WE'RE ALREADY

THEREWE WON the race guys, take off the uniform. Australia has three major domestic competitions worth caring about. League's NRL, basketball's NBL, and football's A-League. For the sake of brevity, I am ignoring that game they play in Melbourne, Adelaide and Perth. Anyway, last time I looked, New Zealand teams were in all of the above. Add to that the Super 14 and netball's ANZ Championship and, well, we're already playing in their puddle, even if we're not yet making much of a splash.

2 THE BLEDISLOE CUP

IT IS one of the truly great competitions of contemporary international rugby. And you want to turn it into a kind of 15-a-side State of Origin? It's that kind of thinking that got us into this trouble in the first place. OK, just for a second, let's consider the implications of a combined national team and you can do it by asking yourself this question. Would you really have wanted Wendell Sailor in the All Blacks? Or Lote Tuqiri? Mat Rogers? Please.

3 AUSTRALIAN RULES FOOTBALL

WELCOME TO your new national sport. Once you scratch beneath the surface of their top-tier competitions, rugby and league are really only played on the east coast of Australia. Yes, the A-League would tell us THEIR flavour of football is the only truly global sport, but when it comes to footy, Australia has always inhabited its own planet.

So Aussie Rules it is. I know from the outside it has all the sophistication of those oiled-up Turkish guys who wrestle in their undies, and that its biggest stars always seem to be bouncing between someone else's wife and rehab, but for anyone who lives within a few kilometres of the Melbourne, Adelaide or Perth CBD, it remains a big deal.

4 COLOUR BLINDNESS

HONESTLY, WHO among you, in your heart of hearts truly believes anything looks good in green and gold? Anyone? Hand down, Warnie, this ain't about you. Let's set aside for the moment the accidental appellation of the All Whites, and just embrace the fact that nothing looks better than black. Ever.

5 THEIR CRICKET TEAM

THE GOOD news? We'd get to play for the Ashes. The bad news? It won't matter; it's unlikely we'd ever get to see them close up. England has been sending cricket teams to Australia since 1877 so you'd think that by now, cricket's greatest prize would have seen a bit of the country. Nope. It wasn't until 1970 that Perth was added as an Ashes venue and Hobart is still waiting. Australians consider Tasmanians (with the exception of David Boon and Ricky Ponting) kind of odd, and they regard us as occupants of a lower branch on the evolutionary tree. Don't hold your breath Napier.

6 JUST BECAUSE WE'RE PART OF THE FAMILY DOESN'T MEAN THE SHEEP JOKES WILL END

NO ONE could ever accuse the native Australian's sense of humour of depth and sophistication. You get the feeling that in parts of the outback, between the sandy bits, some of the locals may have never seen a woman up close, let alone something truly exotic such as someone from out of state. So no, being a part of Australia would be no protection from the inevitable "comedy". It certainly hasn't helped Tasmanians.

7 THE ISLAND QUESTION

I THINK they might have finally tumbled to the benefits of looking beyond suburban Sydney or Brisbane for football talent. It all started to go horribly wrong a few years ago when Willie Ofahengaue went away with the New Zealand schoolboys rugby team and came back a couple of years later with the Wallabies. Not your average career path, I'm sure you'll agree. New Zealand rugby and league has always been the natural home for Pacific Island flair. Even though the occasional one slips through the net, there's no reason to start sharing now.

eric.young@star-times.co.nz

- © Fairfax NZ News