Unreported

A lighthearted look at the week

Last updated 07:26 21/12/2012
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Christmas burlesque dance number was like bringing meat to a vegan barbecue, it was just uncomfortable.

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Bowl's awkward moments

Just as much as everyone else, the small team here at Unreported enjoyed themselves immensely at Christmas at the Bowl on Sunday night. There were only two points that caused some disappointment. First, upon returning home one of the team found the cat had wet the bath mat, presumably in a fit of fear at the fireworks. This leads us to the second disappointment, which actually came first: and that was the burlesque dance number. Frankly, for a family event this seemed a bit too R-rated. Like bringing meat to a vegan barbecue, it was just uncomfortable.

Bandit finds employment

In other squirm news, word is New Plymouth's big chief squeegee bandit Kyle Cresswell is moving out of the city to pursue formal employment. Good on you, Kyle. Our only hope is that without their leader the other little bandits either become embroiled in a bitter and ultimately self- destructive turf war, or better yet, melt away. We feel this way because whenever one of them comes up to our car with the offer to clean the windscreen it makes us feel mean and miserable when we say no. And the other thing, is they may clean our windows but they make us feel dirty inside.

Buskers: Get a new hobby

In other annoying news, we go back to last week's "screeching cat" buskers outside New Plymouth's Centre City. The pair are still trying to swap their awfully bad music for the spare change in shoppers' pockets and Unreported can safely say their sound has not improved. Now, while we are usually charitable to such self-expression, on this occasion we say: "Please stop." Just because you've got the confidence to stand on the street and make a ridiculous noise, doesn't mean people have to be happy about being subjected to it. Though we hate to say it, we'd actually prefer you started cleaning windows.

Comprehensive complaint

Talking of criminals, we move on to a man recently sentenced to jail for a ridiculously inept crime involving a lawnmower, a car and a jemmied door. But before he started his term, he thought he would drop into The Taranaki Daily News to straighten a few facts out, such as his guilty plea having nothing to do with guilt but to save his mum from seeing her boy on trial. He also said something about the lawnmower issue all being resolved and various other complicated ins and outs. In fact, it all took so long to get sorted he had to borrow the phone from the girls at the front counter. "I'm gonna be late, Mum," he said. "I'm just at the newspaper complaining."

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