The Secret Diary of . . . Colin Craig

A weekly satirical column about the week's events

STEVE BRAUNIAS
Last updated 11:11 11/08/2012
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FAIRFAX
Colin Craig

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OPINION: MONDAY

As leader of the Conservative Party, I try to keep my views to myself, and I was minding my own business at home this morning when a gay man approached the house.

I froze as he opened the front gate. I clutched my throat as he closed the front gate. I could tell by the way his hips swayed as he walked up the driveway that he had something filthy and abominable on his mind. When he knocked at the door, I thought of what else his big, raw hands got up to, and I felt sick.

"Go away," I shrieked.

"Let me in," he said.

I imagined his deep, throaty voice forming three other little words: "I love you."

I threw up, and screeched: "Now look what you've made me done!"

"Let me in," he said.

I locked the door, and looked around for something to place across it. I made a hash of trying to nail in the ironing board. I wasn't thinking straight. I needed to calm down.

I took deep breaths, but the knocking on the front door kept rhythm with my beating heart, so I ripped up the carpet and tore out a couple of floorboards. They looked good across the door. They formed a kind of cross.

TUESDAY

He knocked on the door all night, and was still there this morning. I peeked through the curtains and looked at his strong arms, his dark stubble, the way he stood with his feet wide apart. He turned his head, and our eyes met for a second. His soft, smiling lips mouthed the words: "Let me in."

I fell to the floor, curled up in the foetal position, and stayed there all day. He stayed where he was, too. I lay on one side of the door and he stood on the other side. One of us wasn't normal.

WEDNESDAY

There was a knock at the back door, too. And then a tapping at the kitchen window. Soon, all the windows were being tapped on, and there were knocks on the walls, even on the roof. How many of them were there? Hundreds, possibly thousands - if I weakened, I'd find myself hosting an orgy.

They flocked around the house like birds. I tore up the entire floor as I nailed boards over the back door and all the windows.

I was safe, for the time being, but one of them came down the chimney.

I watched in horror as his feet emerged, then his powerful thighs - suddenly, though, he was thrust back up the chimney, as if someone was pulling him.

I heard a scuffle, and then silence. A head popped out of the chimney. It was Labour MP Su'a William Sio. "Figured you needed some help," he grinned.

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THURSDAY

As fast as they smashed the windows and tried to get inside, Su'a and I chopped off their right hands.

FRIDAY

They kept coming in waves. It was as though they represented the forces of change.

Su'a and I did our best. We struck a blow for the decent society. But it was hard to stand our ground without floorboards. They had us surrounded.

We fought back to back, fending off the gay hordes with their firm buttocks and their awful chant: "Let us in."

Su'a turned, and said, "It's been an honour". I said, "I don't know how to thank you".

We faced each other and smiled. It was as though everyone melted away. His eyes were like deep pools. I took the plunge.

stephen11@xtra.co.nz

- Read Colin Craig's response to this opinion piece.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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