'I hope you give this idea serious consideration'

THE RILKOFF FILES

MATT RILKOFF
Last updated 10:38 19/01/2013

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OPINION: Dear New World (New Plymouth)

Now it's no secret you are New Zealand's most loved supermarket but neither is it a secret that, at times, the average age of your customers is 87. I enjoy old people so it doesn't put me off your store, though I do have some health and safety concerns stemming from their brittle frames and the narrow width of your aisles.

Not so long ago I came across an elderly lady looking for custard powder in the toothbrush section. Nothing unusual there but because things appear to be moving faster the older you get, and the aisle wasn't big enough to accommodate me passing her, she quickly assumed I was about to hit her. The thought of this happening was enough to shatter her left hip bone in seven places.

Being of the generation that doesn't complain she hobbled out of the building without a word. However, I would suggest to you that an elderly-only section of the supermarket might be a good idea as it would avoid such geriatric unpleasantries. It wouldn't have to be very big. They only drink tea and eat biscuits after all.

Dear Kentucky Fried Chicken

I am the first to say you are the most successful chicken outlet the planet has ever seen and because I give kudos where it is due I say "well done". Unfortunately I am no longer a fan. My last brush with your product (a quarter pack) filled me with such self-loathing I turned the shower up to scalding hot and scrubbed myself down with a steelo.

Following that experience I can't help but judge people who enjoy KFC as feeble-minded and probably knicker-stealing deviants. The problem with this is every time I walk past your store I see someone I know. In a small town such as New Plymouth it's got so I can hardly look anyone in the eye these days. My suggestion is you erect prison-type walls around all your establishments so we need no longer fear having to drastically change our opinion of people we formerly respected.

Dear Hallensteins

It's no big secret you are the country's leading supplier of affordable men's clothing and a favourite place for wives to leave their husbands while they visit Glassons.

Over the years I have come to appreciate the bland stylings you offer and believe you are a highly influential player in the mediocre fashion game. Which is why I am pitching my idea to you.

As men age they develop a problem with their trousers slipping down at the back when they bend over. This is no concern for swarthy Mediterranean gents who are naturally protected from cool breezes in that area. But for the rest of us a squat, crouch or sudden movement down is too often accompanied by a chilly blast in that most sensitive of places. To fix this you must either use your power to make braces fashionable again or attach a fleece-lined semi-circle of fabric to the top back of the trousers to guard against unexpected exposure. Men around the world would be most appreciative and no doubt women too.

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Dear Glade Plug-Ins

I'm not going to lie. I find your product offensive and have never bought one in my life. But the other day I had an unexpected guest and realised a plug-in smell dispenser would have been just the thing to get rid of them. Now I know you usually go for such scents as Floral Longdrop and Bouquet of Urinal Lozenges but may I suggest to you there is real potential in Aroma of Cat Urine or eau de Doggy-Do-On-Shoe. These could clear a room in seconds and would have really helped me out.

I hope you give this idea serious consideration.

Dear TV One

We all know this one thing for sure - handsome walking and talking reporter Jack Tame is the future of television in New Zealand and will probably one day be king. Personally, I look forward to that time but that doesn't mean his rise isn't creating problems. The one I am referring to is his reading of the 6pm News.

Like everyone else, I am struggling to accept him as my purveyor of serious current affairs. This is because he is a 12-year-old boy. Or at least looks like one which is not ideal and needs to change.

Understand, I'm not a violent man. In fact, I think violence is stupid. But on this occasion it might be called for because a broken nose and a deep eyebrow scar would help Jack achieve the aged and serious look we all want from our newsreaders.

It is my suggestion that a couple of punches to his face would be beneficial to the whole nation. If you're interested let me know. I have at least three acquaintances who will do it for free.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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