The Secret Diary of ... Jesse Mulligan

Weekly satirical column about the week's events

STEVE BRAUNIAS
Last updated 11:58 09/02/2013

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OPINION: MONDAY

Really good first show for Seven Sharp tonight. It was fast, snappy, light, creamy, moist and adult without ever losing sight of the need to be relentlessly infantile.

Ali kicked things off when she waved her arms and screeched, "Hey! We'd love to know what you think!"

Greg winked, and said, "I bet you'd all love to know what I think!"

I quipped, "Thinking. What's with that?"

After the break, Heather du Plessis- Allan filed a report about what was in Prime Minister John Key's shoes.

"Look," she said, as she kneeled at his feet, "there's a sock."

After the break, she rolled down his sock.

"Look," she said, "there's a foot."

Back in the studio, Ali clambered up on the desk and shrieked, "We'd love to know what you think!"

TUESDAY

Really good second show. Things are starting to gel. We've got a better idea of mix, and we're beginning to play to our respective strengths.

In fact I suspect that we managed to get very close to reinventing the paradigm of primetime news and current affairs broadcasting in New Zealand when Ali, Greg and myself simultaneously conducted a live studio interview with a nudist.

WEDNESDAY

Really good show. Heather du Plessis- Allan tracked the progress of Prime Minister John Key's suit at the drycleaners. After the break, she folded his shirts.

But we also recognised the need for something light-hearted, so Greg explained the collapse of the Mainzeal construction company by playing with his Lego set.

Ratings were disappointing. It seems we shed 179,000 viewers.

Producers told us not to worry, and explained that it was due to the weather. They described it as a particularly nice evening on a public holiday with tolerable humidity and a breeze like a gentle, refreshing zephyr, named after the Greek god Zephyrus, who is said to have slept with his sisters Iris, Chloris, and Podarge. It'd be great to get him on the show.

THURSDAY

Really good show. Ali, Greg and myself all simultaneously conducted a live studio interview with Zephyrus.

But there was still a few minutes to fill so I sat back and invited viewers to watch my beard grow.

After the break, Ali grabbed Greg by the neck, pounded his head on the desk, and shrieked, "Hey! Tell us what you think!" But no-one thought anything.

Ratings were disappointing. An estimated 135,000 viewers left the country to avoid watching another minute of Seven Sharp.

Producers told us not to worry, and explained that it was due to the weather. They described it as a particularly cold evening with a wintry blast from the south, bringing hail, an early frost and storm warnings.

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FRIDAY

Really good show. I think. Strangely enough, I don't actually remember it. I can't even be sure I was on it. One second I was at my seat behind the desk and 30 minutes later I was walking home as if nothing had happened.

stephen11@xtra.co.nz; Twitter @SteveBraunias

- Taranaki Daily News

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