Personal conundrums for the coming summer months:
Why does a perfectly normal-acting and intelligent 18-year-old decide it's a good idea to have his hair cut by his older and slightly inebriated cousin with a shaver during a rum-drinking session?
What part of D.U.M.B doesn't he understand?
When men have other men in the car, why do they instantly turn into Formula One racing drivers? Is it the testosterone, or do they really think driving fast equates to bigger bits in their y-fronts?
Who at TVNZ programming thinks we're thick? At the end of the highly-popular Mrs Brown's Boys television series, someone decided to play the whole thing over again, seemingly because they thought we wouldn't notice and would assume it was a new series. Having said that, it did take the hubby a fortnight to twig.
When I choose a queue in a store, why is it the one where all the people in front of me have major problems that take 20 minutes to fix? Is it just me, or does that actually happen to other people?
Why, in the school holidays, do us mothers never have any spare change in our purses? And why do all the children in the house deny even going within spitting distance of our bags, instead blaming the pets in the house or even dad?
When people take their small kids biking on the walkway, why do they let them race ahead out of sight? The other day, I saw a toddler on a trike with no guardian in sight to supervise him. One bad decision and that kid could have been over the side and stuck between rocks. Get more responsible, guys.
Why, if you don't personally do it at home, would you undertake despicable acts of grossness in public toilets? When I race into one of them, top of mind is definitely not planning how I'm going to smear something vile on the flush handles. Why do people even contemplate this?
Why can't men and teenage children hang washing on the line properly? The other day, Quiet Middle Child used five pegs to hang a pair of my undies on the outdoor line. Let me assure you, they are not that wide. At least it gave the neighbour a giggle, I suppose. How does hubby - tasked with feeding the two cats while the rest of the family vacations in Taranaki - claim that he fed them amply twice daily when they've both lost several kilos, look haunted and there's still several cans of Dine in the pantry?
Who told Tamati on Breakfast that the black spectacles would make him look worldly and wise?
I've asked this question before and I'll ask it again until the cows come home, as I've never had a meaningful answer. What is the point of test cricket when 22 white- clad people stand frying under the sun for several days concentrating on a small red ball, only to generally declare it a draw? Doesn't someone have to win in the end . . . if only for the satisfaction?
Why does my husband continue to buy a 48-pack of one-ply toilet paper on special, when I've proved to him the teenagers use a whole roll every single time they venture into the lavatory?
In the end, thin toilet paper is not worth the savings, honey. Build a bridge and get over it!
For goodness sake, Dev from Coronation St . . . accept the god- damn money from Steve and think about his excuse - would your best friend really steal money from your safe during the tram disaster when your wife is lying close by seriously injured? OR could it possibly have something to do with his reformed, jailbird, druggie wife with a penchant for lying and a nasty sister with a needy kid? THINK ABOUT IT! And Nick - you aren't the original actor and I'm getting sick of you gazing stricken at your god-awful- fringed nagging mother Gail. Please go to Milan and don't come back.
And Leanne, please don't tell me you'd honestly choose someone who smokes at least 20 ciggies a day to kiss for the rest of your life. With the alcoholic, single-dad, bookie bloke you've chosen, Nick looks a bit like David Beckham about now.
Why do black cars look sexy? We had one many years ago that people used to scratch with keys just for the sake of it, but despite that I'm still contemplating buying a black car to replace the Rav4.
When I point out a nice item of clothing to Little Weenie 14-year- old, why does she snort in derision and tell me I have a worse fashion sense than Sarah Ferguson, then tries said item on and buys it when Grandma suggests it would look good on her?
Is it honestly normal for teenage boys to believe they only have to change the bedsheets once every three months/when the smell gets too bad (whichever comes first)?
Why would a child place a half- drunk cup of raspberry fizzy drink under the front passenger seat of a car, then forget about it for six months until his/her unfortunate mother puts her hand under there to clear out rubbish?
On the positive side, we've probably found the replacement for penicillin right here in the East Coast Bays of Auckland.
Why do the majority of teenage children actually believe the world is going to end on December 21 this year? And why are they so upbeat about it?
Should I be worried when, at the book sale last week, my English extension Year 10 child queried whether fiction or non-fiction was the made-up one?
At the time I was serving a similarly aged boy buying a pile of Latin books for weekend reading and his scholarship exams. NCEA doesn't look too good now, does it!
Why do I lie in bed at night coming up with these conundrums? The answer is simple. At the moment, it's more entertaining than telly. And that's a conundrum in itself.
- © Fairfax NZ News
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