MONDAY

At approximately 0900 hours I disembark from an aircraft in Nelson, which I am given to understand is a busy port town in the North Island.

Owing to the nature of my visit I dress in heavy disguise. I wear what is known as a clown suit.

I have reason to believe it was a successful ruse, although numerous people came up to me in the airport and asked, "Aren't you Detective Inspector Grant Wormald, who has played a lead role in the Organised and Financial Crime Agency of New Zealand [Ofcanz], which botched the raid on fat German man Kim Dotcom?"

As a senior police officer I am well-trained in the dark and complex arts of deception. I said, "No."

They also asked, "Are you here to attend the trial against the Red Devils gang, which was infiltrated by an undercover policeman who received his orders from Ofcanz?"

I said, "No."

Then I squeezed what is known as a hooter. It produces a loud and comical noise. However on this occasion it produced a sharp and electrifying shock, because it turned out to be a Taser.

No-one was seriously hurt and I proceeded in a northerly direction to the Nelson High Court, stopping only to swim to shore after I took a wrong turn and drove into the majestic waters of the Marlborough Sounds.

TUESDAY

Oversee the capture of Aragorn, an unruly swan which has become the menace of Nelson, by commanding a crack team of agents to put a sack over its head.

Two hours of thrashing around in the turbulent waters of the Maitai River fails to provide a result.

We confer on the riverbank to discuss Plan B when we witness the arrival of a crack team from the SPCA and the Department of Conservation. Within minutes they usher the white bird into shallow water, and trap it in a net. One of the agents folds the wild cygnet in his arms, and places it into a cage.

We observe in the long grass and take careful notes about the brutal capture of the old duck.

WEDNESDAY

High Court judge Simon France throws out the police case against the Red Devils gang.

He took issue with the fact that police orchestrated a false arrest of an undercover officer. He described how the matter went through the courts without the knowledge of the defence lawyer, court staff and the judge.

After he dismisses the case, 21 thugs from the Red Devils gang walk free.

It's a black day for New Zealand's judicial system, upon which the New Zealand police ought to rely on like an old, trusted and forgiving friend.

THURSDAY

Need cheering up, so replay footage of the exciting raid on Kim Dotcom.

The lessons are clear.

A similar show of force was needed in the attempted capture of fat goose Aragorn.

FRIDAY

Meet with Prime Minister John Key and Police Minister Anne Tolley behind closed doors.

We discuss the crisis.

We conduct a thorough review.

We get to the bottom of it.

We patch through a call to a crack team from Ofcanz and ask them to enter what is known as a dairy, buy some milk, and get it to us before our tea goes cold.

All we can do is wait.

stephen11@xtra.co.nz

- © Fairfax NZ News