The secret diary of . . . Whale Oil (Cameron Slater)

A weekly satirical column about the week's events

STEVE BRAUNIAS
Last updated 10:19 04/11/2012
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FAIRFAX
Cameron Slater

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MONDAY

I'm hearing stuff about babbling idiot and gutless humanitarian David Shearer.

Ugly stuff.

The kind of stuff that will make your hair go white, even if you're bald.

I got a whiff of it yesterday.

A strong whiff.

The kind of whiff that unless you've already got white hair your leg will develop gangrene.

Anyway, in the meantime here's a 300-word news story about Shearer written by some flunky in the mainstream media.

I'll comment on it on my blog later today, after I've commented on a dozen other news stories based on interviews, reporting and accurate fact published in those hopeless old things known as newspapers.

TUESDAY

Accept an offer to become editor of the Truth newspaper.

The publisher, David Crow, said he'd heard good things about me from his brother, businessman Steve Crow.

"He told me you're one of us, that you're a librarian," he said.

"What?"

"A librarian. Someone who stands for individual freedom and that. Believes passionately or whatever in the right to speak your mind and stage Boobs on Bikes."

"You mean libertarian."

He put his arm around me, leaned in close, and said, "Are you some sort of poofter or something? Knock it off with the fancy words, mate."

WEDNESDAY

My head begins to hurt in the afternoon. Take immediate and drastic action. Switch the computer off at the wall. Then I close the curtains, and lie down in the dark with a wet cloth over my forehead. It drips down my cheeks, or are they tears? Every nerve in my body feels as though it's on fire. I take deep breaths. The hours pass. I try to relax.

THURSDAY

The working people of New Zealand need to be educated.

They need to be better informed.

As editor of the Truth, I see it as my responsibility to tell them that socialists, as a sub-set of people, are stupid - but not as stupid as the Taleban in Afghanistan, who I hope are being shot and killed this very second.

FRIDAY

I'm hearing stuff about wise soul and charming humorist John Key. Good stuff. The kind of stuff that reaffirms your faith in human nature and makes your heart pound in your ears until you pass out with sheer happiness.

I got a whiff of it yesterday.

A strong whiff. The kind of whiff that if you've got gangrene the doctor will find a way to save your leg. What I'm hearing is that he's agreed to pose in next week's Truth on page 3.

stephen11@xtra.co.nz

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