Cedric and Maureen fend off interloper

THE RILKOFF FILES

MATT RILKOFF
Last updated 10:53 10/11/2012
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Police Statement 1

The same as always, I was walking through the park to work. That's Pukekura Park. I like to go that way. It gets me away from the traffic noise and you can talk to yourself without too many people noticing.

It was quite a morning. Warm sunlight weaved through the trees, gentle perfumes wafted and waned across the path and everywhere I turned, old people in expensive walking shoes were taking photos and complaining about their hip replacements, so I knew the rhodo festival was on.

I saw Cedric and Maureen at the lesser Poet's Bridge straight away. I didn't know those were their names then. I just called them Gooseys, which I realise now may have been offensive.

"Hello Gooseys," I said. "What you doing then."

They didn't move though Cedric's eyes narrowed and he whispered something to Maureen. I guess he thought I wouldn't know what he said but I'm a Canadian citizen so I speak a bit of Canada Geese and could beak-read his words.

"You go low and I'll go high," he said.

I didn't want to believe it. It was spring and life was good so I walked across the bridge like I did every other day. But the gooseys took to me. Cedric went straight for my right-hand pants pocket, Maureen for my shoelace. They were vicious and somehow got my backpack open and that's when they threw my lunch-time banana in the lake. That was pretty unnecessary and, to be honest, quite upsetting.

Police Statement 2

Yeah, we've lived at the park for about four years, give or take. They don't like it. They don't want it catching on but every time they try and gets me and Maureen out I plays the race card.

"What you got against Canadians, eh," I says and they back right off. It's ridiculous really. I mean, sure, I'm a Canada Goose but thank The Lord, that doesn't make me Canadian.

Anyways, back to this fella. He'd been walking through the park for a couple of days now, you could always hears him talking before you saw him. Maureen and me, we was on the small red bridge by the boat shed, I don't knows its name, Limerick Bridge, whatever.

It was just past 8am when he comes bumbling along, his shirt all untucked, hair in a mess and his ridiculous backpack hanging open. I mean, this guy looks about 36-years-old. What's he doing with a back pack?

So I turns to Maureen, I says "Get a load of this," and she's like "Holler. Hashtag: moron," and we wait for him to go past.

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You know, I'm a goose, and I do goose things. Can't help myself. As he's walking by I sees his right hand pants pocket and I gotta got for it. I just gotta. Well, that upset him a bit and for some reason he threw his banana in the lake. I gots the impression he planned to use it as a life raft.

Police Statement 3

I've been coming to Taranaki every year since I can remember, which is to say, what are we talking about again. Oh, that's right, the young man and those geese. I was there sitting on the seat by the bridge. It's a nice place to sit and I needed to rest my bunions. I mean Kumfs are good shoes but they can't beat a bunion. Well Marjorie and I were comparing hip operation anecdotes and we watch this young man walk up to the bridge. He had a good stride on him and Marjorie was quite taken. I think she said "I'd give him a lolly," and then it all got confusing.

He appeared to have some sort of fit and the geese had a go at helping him out but that only made it worse. I mean he really lost it and that's when the banana ended up in the water. I only saw it for a second but I thought "well, that's an atrocious waste of soft food".

Police Statement 4

Don't try and talk me out of it. This guy is going down. He can't get away with it. I mean, he came into my home and almost killed me. I suppose I shouldn't have been there. It's not my patch. Usually I hang out by the kiosk. That's where the little kids feed the ducks and this time of year they bring their ducklings along and I . . . .well, let's just say, as an eel, this is a fish in a barrel type situation.

But on this morning the kids must have been at school or something so I decided to swim around to the boat shed and check out what Cedric and Maureen were up to. They're all right, Cedric and Maureen are, even if they are Canadians.

I could hear this guy walking well before I got to the bridge. I've been at the park for years so I can read stomps like morse code. This one was "dot, dot, dash, idiot" so I wasn't surprised that he picked a fight with Cedric and Maureen. I don't really know what happened after that. I just heard a plonk in the water, saw something small and yellow and, being the time of year it was, went for it. Next thing I know I wake up in hospital and the doctor is telling me I nearly choked to death on a banana.

- Taranaki Daily News

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