A higher calling most people can't hear
Clout on heroes
It's not easy being green. That's not something I said. Kermit the Frog said that. Sang it too.
No, it's not easy at all being green and that goes double if you are Kermit.
He doesn't have much going for him. He's skinny, has a whiny voice and he doesn't seem to be in control of his own arms.
They are always swinging about, which is probably why Miss Piggy was always belting him - self-defence.
But I'd say it was those things that drew me to him and for as long as I can remember now Kermit is the Muppet I have most aspired to be like.
Clout on limericks
There once was a boy from New Plymouth
Who liked to push things to the limits
They said he pushed too far
When he clamped a police car
He said "nah I'm the law here, so go screw it."
Clout on perspective
Not many people know this but my internal monologue is voiced by David Attenborough.
Some people might think having David Attenborough in your head is annoying, or at least a severe case of situational disassociation but it's invaluable in my job.
He helps me focus and keeps it all in perspective.
"Having preyed on these carparks for countless years Clout knows the Richmond Centre is where he can clamp his full," David says.
"It might be distasteful, it might be ugly, but life in all its boundless glory, is a beautifully messy business."
Clout on reasonability
That's one of those compound words, isn't it. Like you give me a "reason" to clamp your car and I have the "ability" to do it. So I do it. I don't see what else it could mean.
Clout on money
It's what makes the world go round. It's the grease on the wheel.
I need it, you need it, everyone needs it. I get mine from clamping and, sure, I understand some people don't like it.
But it's a higher calling that most people can't hear and I am sure history will honour me as the honourable protector of allocated automobile spaces that I am.
And people also don't understand I actually prefer to get paid my $120 in 50 cent pieces.
It's mostly because it doesn't blow away when they throw it at me.
Clout on roles
You know what. It's as simple as this: All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.
David, he's always telling me that so I don't let any of those things people say about me get under my skin.
They're just playing out their role and I'm playing out mine. OK, sometimes I cry at night.
But plenty of blokes do that and David says I shouldn't feel bad about it because it's real hard playing the villain in a Shakespearean farce, whatever that is.
Clout on cops
A lot of people think I hate the police just because I clamped one of their cars one time. But the way I see it, we're both law enforcers.
They broke the law, I enforced it. No hard feelings.
It's my job, and like the police, I do a good job 24/7 and treat everyone the same.
Just the other night I went home, parked my truck out front and was making a cup of tea when I noticed I had parked less than a metre from my own driveway.
What else could I do? I went out, clamped three of the wheels and called the cops.
"You won't believe it," I said.
"Some bastard clamped my truck."
Taranaki Daily News