The secret diary of Brendan Horan

A weekly satirical column about the week's events

STEVE BRAUNIAS
Last updated 09:40 09/12/2012
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Brendan Horan

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MONDAY

I got out of bed this morning, walked into the kitchen, and looked at the clock. It was just after 11am.

I like an early start to the day.

I fixed myself breakfast. A light sprinkling of sugar over a bowl of cornflakes. Two pieces of toast, one with jam and the other with marmalade. A nice hot cup of tea with the milk poured first. Pancakes with maple syrup and grilled bacon. Two eggs, one boiled and one fried.

I finished eating, made a few calls, and after a while I looked at the clock. It was just after 1pm. Time flies when you're staring out the window without a thought in your head.

I thought I'd better focus, so I turned on the TV.

I was so focused that it took me a while to realise the phone was ringing. It was Winston. He said, "I'm amazed I got through. Your line's always busy."

I said, "I can't wait to go back to work. I didn't get into politics to sit at home in Mt Maunganui on my MP's salary of $141,800 while you conduct an inquiry into allegations that I filched money from my late mother's bank accounts."

He said, "What's that cheering in the background?"

I pressed the mute button. "Nothing," I said, as No 5 in race 3 won by a length and No 8 limped in last. Curses.

He said, "Are you sure you haven't done anything wrong?"

I said, "I'd bet good money on it."

TUESDAY

I got out of bed this afternoon, walked into the kitchen, and looked at the clock. It was just before 3pm.

There wasn't anything on Trackside so I did a bit of channel surfing and ended up on Parliament.

I didn't recognise it at first. Funny how you forget things.

Winston stood up and said, "Mr Speaker, I seek leave to make a serious statement about Brendan Horan MP."

Lockwood said, "Is there any objection? There is no objection."

I yelled, "I object!"

WEDNESDAY

I know when I'm not wanted, but being sacked from NZ First on live television isn't one of those times.

I flew to Wellington to sort out a few light office duties, such as getting an assistant to wipe my computer records.

Then I moved into a new office to show that I have a future in politics as an independent MP.

Then I attended a closed session of the Maori affairs select committee to show that I mean business.

Throughout, I made a few calls, but had nothing to show for it. Curses.

THURSDAY

I met with Lockwood, and said, "I can't wait to get back to work."

He gave me permission for a couple of days' leave.

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"Excellent," I said.

FRIDAY

I got out of bed this morning, walked into the kitchen, and looked at the clock. It was just after 11am.

I didn't get into politics to sit at home in Mt Maunganui on my MP's salary of $141,800, but it's amazing how quickly you can get used to it.

stephen11@xtra.co.nz

- Taranaki Daily News

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