The shape of things to come in next year's riveting headlines
Oddities among the headlines in 2012MATT RILKOFF
OPINION: Horan Horseplay
Disgraced former New Zealand First MP Brendon Horan continues to proclaim his innocence over anything to do with his mother's missing money and even goes as far as calling an impromptu press conference at the Mt Maunganui Turf Bar and TAB.
"The high pressure system to the south will meet the full force of the low pressure system in the north. There will be cloudy periods with chances of heavy rain but ultimately the skies will clear," he will say.
"And if you know what's good for you put $20 each way on Shesagoer in the fourth at Ellerslie."
Paul and Jack
Predictions made in this column one year ago about TV One's walking, talking and gesturing genius Jack Tame and their former favourite feral Paul Henry have rung true. Jack indeed took his brand of deeply emotional and dramatic storytelling to the US, where he injected much needed gravitas into everything he deigned to touch with his angelic hands. Paul indeed fell flat on his new show in Australia mostly because, just as predicted, Australia already had 20 million people who said what everyone else was thinking. Because of this unmitigated and unexpected success we will make no more predictions for these two lads and instead quit while we are ahead.
To the relief of everyone everywhere, podgy North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sponsors the dramatic kidnapping of podgy Gangnam Style singer Psy. The South Korean is then put on trial for crimes against civilisation, found guilty and sentenced to 20 years in a glove-making gulag. United Nations Secretary General and South Korean Ban Ki Moon urges the world to drop all opposition to the North Korea's nuclear weapons programme because the country had adequately demonstrated their willingness to do what was best for humanity. "They have already saved us from something far worse than death," Ban says.
Mounting legal bills and the continuing unreasonable demands of his wife force New Zealand-based German fatty Kim Dotcom to accept a contract from weight loss giant Jenny Craig. The results are incredible. After just a few months Dotcom is half his former self. A few months later he reaches his goal weight of 73.5kg. But what is really incredible is Dotcom is now the spitting image of New Zealand Prime Minister John Key.
"I never knew my father," a teary Dotcom tells TV One boy wonder reporter Jack Tame. "But maybe I have found him after all."
The rise of Blacky
Two and a half years after escaping the ridiculously small Brooklands Rd enclosure for the bigger and brighter lights of Pukekura Park and Brooklands Zoo, Blacky the chicken continues her meteoric rise to the top, but it's not without scandal. "Well how was I to know it wasn't allowed. Everyone around me was doing it," Blacky will say of her steamy two-month relationship with junior Hamilton zookeeper Wayne Dwayne. "Wayne Dwayne was a simple soul and I'm sorry for all the hurt it's caused him. On the other hand it's not all bad," she says. "I'm in talks with TV3 for a reality TV show right now. At this stage, Blacky Lives is kinda like The GC meets The Ridges, but obviously I'll bring a bit more mental rigour to the format."
- © Fairfax NZ News
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