I've burnt two-minute noodles, over-cooked microwave meals and left scotch-fillet steak looking like a fine selection of charcoals. If a woman's place is in the kitchen then check there is a fire extinguisher in yours before you ask me to make you a sandwich.
My dinner party guests always turn up with an extra plate of salmon and cream cheese thingies, because they know it may be the only thing they eat all night.
But they need not fear - I am a good hostess; I know India Today's phone number off by heart.
My obvious failures have left me wondering, why do people keep coming back to my dinner parties?
It's definitely not for the food. It could be for the wine, but wine can be drunk at home in the comfort of your pyjamas . It has to be for the people, the company, the banter and the witty discourse.
Get people talking and drinking around a roaring fire and they will almost forget your entree nearly poisoned them.
Which brings me to my Fantasy Dinner Party. Three famous people, dead or alive to come over for wine and hi-jinks. The night shall be amazing and all of my dreams will be fulfilled.
1. Top of the list, and head of the table: J. K. Rowling.
This literary genius has inspired children and adults alike, and I find it my duty to ply her with wine and persuade her to write more. We don't care if she writes a prequel series or a series involving the Potter/Weasley mini-me's; we need more and we need it soon, preferably before our over-thumbed books fall to pieces.
With J. K. in the house I could also gain more of an insight into my literary dream man, Severus Snape. He's so mysterious and darkly attractive that she is bound to have a few secrets about him that I could cherish. I am sure she would share some with me, especially if I promised to stop writing 50 Shades of Snape.
2. Next in the door, complete with Elizabethan pants: William Shakespeare.
I do so hope he would read me poetry. In fact he could play Romeo and I'd play Juliet. I know all of the lines already.
I would quiz him with things I have always wanted to ask, including delving in to his sexuality and the great debate over authorship. I'd even bring out my limited edition Shakespeare action figure and ask him to sign it.
Then I'd persuade him to talk with J. K. Rowling, in the hope that they create the greatest piece of fiction ever to change the world.
3. And then arrives the classic beauty that every dinner party needs: Marilyn Monroe.
Norma Jeane was a woman whose early life was plagued by a lack of stability. She was in and out of foster homes and orphanages, and there are rumours of sexual assault before she even turned 10.
And yet somehow, despite all of the pain in her early years, she became Marilyn Monroe, a model, singer, actress and one of the most famous sex symbols the world has ever known.
This unwanted child, with the dream of being a movie star, would be more than welcome at my Fantasy Dinner Party. I have always found her to be inspiring. A true example of how one can rise above the terrible things in their past.
Of course, I'm also a massive gossip with a need to know if she died at the age of 36 because of a suicide, or if it was indeed something more sinister.
I hope she wears that white dress.
J. K. Rowling, William Shakespeare, Marilyn Monroe and myself. I couldn't think of a better guest list for a Fantasy Dinner Party. Of course they will probably end up eating pizza from a cardboard box, but I'm pretty sure the conversation will make up for that.
My fellow Modern Maidens, I'm interested in your choices. Leave me a comment and tell me who would you have at your Fantasy Dinner Party. I may just have to turn up with a bottle of Merlot and some two-minute noodles.
- © Fairfax NZ News
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