Finally, Bella gets some teeth

02:13, Nov 23 2012

Review: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2
Director: Bill Condon
Currently showing at Events Cinema

There was a strange sense of satisfaction knowing it would be the last time my sister could drag me along to a movie theatre to watch KPatz stare stone-faced at each other.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 flooded the opening credits with a blood-red wash. This made it blaringly obvious to the giggly pre-teens sitting around me that, just in case the glitter had made them forget, Twilight was in fact about blood-sucking vampires.

Before Stephenie Meyer's teen fiction series hit the big screen I had always been a fan of Kristen Stewart, having stumbled across her playing a disturbed young girl in the 2004 indie film, Speak.

However, when it came to playing Bella Swan, the young starlet has left me cringing. Showing the emotional range of a teaspoon and appearing like her face was a statue unable to change its expression, her portrayal of the girl torn between the wolf and the vampire left me thinking it's her career that should be nearing its twilight.

That's why, when our ugly little duckling turned from a Swan into a bat, leaving her eyes strangely alluring, I was kind of impressed.


 Stewart as a fully-fledged vampire had me thinking turning to the dark side may not be too bad, if it meant she was sucking on my neck, much like the naughty wench did with Rupert Sanders.

Within moments of fangs appearing in her smile it was obvious why she had been so dull as a Swan.

The newly wed Mrs Cullen was always meant to be a sparkling vampire.

Vampiric Bella was beautiful, striking in fact. She immediately commanded attention and suddenly there was tone and emotion in her voice. After being lifeless in four consecutive films, Kristen Stewart finally showed she had more than one facial expression.

While sucking on my skittles and rescuing the popcorn from down my cleavage, I had a realisation.

Stewart had not been a terrible actress in this saga, she was merely portraying a character that was never written to be more than two dimensional.

Meyer deliberately created a character with no depth and very little personality. Apparently we had to sit through three lifeless books and four  dull movies to show us that until Bella became an undead she was merely a shadow of her true self.

Bella Swan had to die to have any life in her character, and poor Kristen had to film four movies before she could really sink her teeth into the role.

The awakening of the cheating hussy's acting skills was mildly impressive. The only other thing that was close to being as impressive was Taylor Lautner's near-nakedness.

The young heart-throb managed to take his clothes off in front of Bella's dad, leaving me thinking the men were about to have a passionate gay romp and show off their best bestiality moves.
Aside from a brilliant flash forward courtesy of Alice - the cutest vampire of them all - the rest of the movie was uneventful, but I didn't really expect more.

In fact, if it wasn't for my friends, Top Town's new boysenberry ice cream, and a photo booth that sucked the life from our wallets, I may have considered the afternoon an entire waste of time.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 gets a rating of 2.5/5 stars from me.

One star is for Stewart finally getting to breathe some life in to her character. The other star is for the endless laughter I had when KPatz's CGI baby appeared on screen, and the half point is, of course, for Taylor Lautner.

It takes some serious wash-board abs to make a whole cinema of females hoot and drool when you
take your shirt off. Bravo lad, bravo.