An indecent proposition
Every woman I know has a girl they would turn momentarily gay for. I call this the 'Lady Love.'
I remember my first Lady Love. I was about 12. To be fair, it's only in hindsight I realise I was experiencing my very first case of lust, but it was a taste of something that would shape my life forever.
As a 12-year-old I had absolutely no idea future me would totally bang her. All I knew was every time I watched this actress onscreen I was speechless. She was stunning, captivating and there was something softly beautiful about her.
Kate Winslet, playing Rose in Titanic, was my very first Lady Love. I was drawn to her refined demeanour, the way her soft red curls fell on her pale skin and, gee whiz, those corseted dresses made my jaw drop.
That's why, when I start a relationship, I just have to make it clear that I need five pass cards and Kate Winslet is top of my list.
A pass card is similar to a 'get out of jail free' card. Basically it means, if given the opportunity, you can sleep with a nominated famous person and your partner can't throw a tantrum about it.
I believe everyone deserves five pass cards, and if you don't have some I suggest you sit down with a glass of wine and have a heart-to-heart with your partner tonight.
It's usually with steak on the BBQ and beers in hand that I approach the issue like this:
''So honey, you know how one day I'm going to be famous?''
At this stage there is no harm in beginning a shoulder massage as your partner rolls their eyes and mumbles, ''Yes dear.''
''Well, when I'm walking the red carpet and attending tonnes of premiere parties, well, obviously I'm going to be rubbing shoulders with some seriously attractive famous people.''
If your massage skills are good enough you'll simply receive an ''Mmmmm'' at this stage of the conversation.
''One can't waste opportunities like that, honey. And I'm not asking your permission, but I am telling you, when I'm famous and sipping cosmopolitans with Peter Jackson, I will be taking total advantage of my pass cards and having hot, passionate celebrity sex.''
It's almost as if they never believe me and agree to my demand without ever thinking it'll happen.
Little do they know it won't be long before I'm locking lips with my five stars, and not feeling one ounce of guilt.
I bet by now you are simply dying to know who has the pure sex appeal to make my top five. It was a hard decision for me to narrow the list down. I'd like nothing more than to have Alan Rickman read me the phone book or Lily Cole do a private fashion show at my house, but that's not what this is about.
When I'm famous and living in luxury, I'm going to use my pass cards well.
These five celebs better watch out, because Modern Maiden has them in her sights.
● Kate Winslet: The eyes, the accent, the red hair and pale skin, Kate Winslet just takes my breath away. If I was Leonardo Dicaprio there would have been no way I was letting her go. I would have clung to that broken piece of the Titanic until my frozen fingers fell off.
● Mila Kunis: Miss Mila is one sexy little minx, who I am certain would be dynamite beneath the covers. Every girl I know, and every guy, would throw caution to the wind just to be in the same room as her.
● Scarlett Johansson: Seriously, what sort of god and goddess made this woman? She has a body to die for, eyes I could get lost in and lips that call 'come hither.' Ohhh Scarlett, pucker up, you're on my list.
● Ryan Gosling: This chiselled blue-eyed babe could totally make me miss my bedtime. I absolutely love a man who can pull off a suit, and look even better when the suit hits the floor.
● Johnny Depp: With an olive complexion, a quirky sense of style and a stellar selection of tattoos, Mr Depp totally makes me weak at the knees. The only thing I fear is one night with this man will never be enough. It's likely I'll become obsessed and have ''Johnny Forever'' tattooed on my arm.
* Disclaimer: I reserve the right at any time to swap out any of the above celebrities for: Sean Connery, Colin Firth, Emma Watson, Christina Hendricks, Daniel Craig, the entire cast of the L Word and any member of Pink Floyd.
Let me know who your pass cards are. You never know, if you impress me enough I may invite you to a red carpet premiere with me, when I'm famous of course.