OPINION: Some women may label me misogynistic, sexist, or even tell you I am slut-shaming, but I'm proclaiming myself town crier for a moment. All men need to know what I know.
Males, beware: there are some lovely ladies out there who are capable of tricking you into becoming a daddy.
If a girl with a vindictive streak desperately wants you to be her 'baby daddy', it's highly likely she'll stop at nothing to birth a tiny, crying bundle of joy, who has your eyes and screams when you play Call of Duty.
The girls who would do this don't want you to know their little secret, but if your relationship is on the rocks and you're thinking of breaking up, don't be too surprised if the ''I'm pregnant'' game is played in an attempt to make you stay.
Yes, she may be expecting and yes, it may indeed be a coincidental and non-manipulative pregnancy, but when you are about to break up and she tells you she's carrying your child, one can't help but wonder if she's telling the truth. Especially if the same thing happened at the end of her last three relationships.
I'm not saying all girls would orchestrate or even fabricate a pregnancy. In fact, most women would never dream of it. But just as there are controlling men out there, crazy and manipulative females do exist.
These girls are capable of crying baby, or even tricking you into becoming a father.
Take it all in boys, because I'm about to tell you a story illustrating just how easy it would be.
My best friend and I have a ritual. Every few months we eat chocolate and take a pregnancy test together.
It doesn't matter that I have an IUD, it doesn't matter that she has taken her daily dose of hormones every morning, it doesn't even matter if one of us has not had sex in months, we do our pregnancy tests together; it's our ritual and we enjoy it.
It's a regular ritual because we both have pregnancy paranoia.
Although the term pregnancy paranoia was created by us, it's real, it's hard work, and even though we are almost certain we can't be with child, almost certain is not enough.
In stark contrast to the women wanting to make a man a father, are the ladies so scared of an unplanned pregnancy that even the slightest of sore breasts, despite a lack of sex, can send us to the supermarket for a pregnancy test.
Feeling sick when you wake up in the morning sets the alarm bells ringing, enjoying eating something you normally wouldn't like increases the fear and if your bra is feeling a little too tight then it's not long before you are rocking in the corner waiting for your BFF to arrive with a plastic stick for each of you.
For those of us who would one day love to have children, but have decided today is really, really not that day, it only takes a whiff of paranoia to remind us that abstinence is the safest form of birth control.
Every time my friend and I high-five over only having one blue line each, it's not long before we are joking about the day one of us gets knocked up.
You see, it's our dream to be pregnant at the same time. When we jest about the two lines that will one day announce one of us is expecting, we also jest about the fact that on that fateful day the other will have no choice but to throw away the birth control, jump their man and sleep with their legs in the air.
Although I know we are joking and neither of us would trick a man into becoming a father, it's in that moment I know just how easy it would be for a woman to do it.
How easy it would be for a woman to not get her next injection, to have her IUD removed, to poke a hole in a condom or to simply stop taking her pill. A lady on a mission could do every one of those things without a man even noticing, let alone suspecting.
It seems that although a woman cannot get pregnant without a man, the power of when a woman chooses to get pregnant is entirely in her hands.
Whether or not a lady would abuse that power and make a man a father for reasons that may be manipulative, well that comes down to the woman herself.
Be careful boys, because women, whether they choose to or not, can make you a father without your permission. It pays to be safe. Use condoms you have bought and therefore know are not littered with more holes than a colander.
At the risk of being disowned by my fellow females and threatened by feminists, here's another hint:
watch out if your partner's best friend gets pregnant and your bed-buddy suddenly starts sleeping with her legs in the air.
That's a dead giveaway that Call of Duty may soon be cast aside in favour of sleepless nights and softly sung lullabies.
- © Fairfax NZ News