Column: The Rilkoff Files
It had to be done, so I sharpened the axe and . . .
THE RILKOFF FILES
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
Mrs Jeremy Brown is dead, and I killed her
Think - are you a sweeper or a grabber?
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
Life as we understand it changed irrecoverably in December 1965.
It 's Kim Jong - Un: My dream dictator
THE RILKOFF FILES
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
It was past late. It was early, probably 20 minutes before dawn when Kim Jong-Un visited me in my dream.
Smashing pumpkins are a surprise winner
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
My victory is yellow and bulbous. Some might argue it is not yellow but orange and others are likely to say it is green or even grey.
Some words of wisdom I can never forget
THE RILKOFF FILES
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
Some things stick. Where other things fall away, slip past unnoticed or go straight through you, some things will stick.
It 's the year according to Matt-radamus
THE RILKOFF FILES
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
January 2012: No one can ever tell what the year of the Black Dragon will bring.
Dear Santa...
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
Hey Santa, How are you? I am fine. Thank- you for the presents you brought me last year. They weren't exactly what I wanted but I applaud the effort you took to get them to me.
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Fear, anxiety - it 's WOF time
THE RILKOFF FILES
Children and rich people divide their year into 12 months but the rest of us chop it in two, each of which starts with taking our car to get its warrant of fitness.
Where's Whitey? I need my omelette
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
The rain was falling hard, damn hard. It was coming from the sky. The damn sky.
Oasis inside the Square
THE RILKOFF FILES
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
When you get lost in a desert your one hope for life is a brackish pond of water surrounded by palm trees
Things they might have said, over a cuppa
The Rilkoff Files
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
Excerpt from John Key's real time autobiography, State House Boy:
Hold the vinegar, grapefruit - for - brains
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
Anything can be poached. Pot size may vary, poaching time too, but in the end anything can be poached.
Weighing the value of my pet project
THE RILKOFF FILES
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
Arthur had been drooling on her personal pillow for months before I took her condition seriously.
Bubble, bubble, signs and trouble . . .
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
Sunday is the day of signs. After a week of work and a night or two of play it is natural to give Sunday over to signs and finding them wherever you might look.
A cupful of bitter World Cup memories
THE RILKOFF FILES
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
You have to count your blessings. You have to put your right hand out in front of yourself and count them off, one by one.
Godfather? It was an offer I couldn't refuse
THE RILKOFF FILES
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
When your sister has a baby and you are a man you become an uncle. It's the easiest job you will ever get and you didn't even apply. One day you are not an uncle. The next day you are.
The gifts that keep on giving and giving
THE RILKOFF FILES
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
Even in the months outside of Christmas your average citizen is called upon to give a present once every three to four weeks.
Table for Mr Rikoff . . . Mr Rykoff? Mr Wilcox?
THE RILKOFF FILES
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
For years I have been lying - so what?
What 's in a name? Too much, actually
MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News
Ishmael: Call me Ishmael. Well, if you wouldn't mind, don't. But that is the name my parents gave me so if you call me it, well, it's not your fault.
Man arrested for exposing himself
Girl accused of lying in sex trial
Feisty nature helps woman recover
$4m property given back to Maori
'Walkway' it stays - and it's a space to be shared
Tamati gears up for gruelling tv trek
New 'pot' sneaks on to shelves
Top prize a hair's breadth away
Children lured for sex, court told
Girl accused of lying in sex trial
Top prize a hair's breadth away
$4m property given back to Maori
Feisty nature helps woman recover
New 'pot' sneaks on to shelves
Tamati gears up for gruelling tv trek
New Plymouth Mayor springs to skater's rescue
Size of stadium complex set to double
Children lured for sex, court told
$4m property given back to Maori
Top prize a hair's breadth away
Girl accused of lying in sex trial
Size of stadium complex set to double
New 'pot' sneaks on to shelves
Don't let facts get in way of a good protest