The Rilkoff Files

My raincoat and me

THE RILKOFF FILES

Last week I bought a raincoat. It wasn't a happy experience, it wasn't something I had been looking forward to. Raincoats rarely are, probably on account of what they are used for.

Masculinity masked

THE RILKOFF FILES

The muesli was the beginning. It was supposed to also be the end. Because, you see, I was sick.

Affairwith Suby coming to an end

THE RILKOFF FILES

matt small

Just lately it has become ridiculously obvious to me that I have developed an unusual amount of affection for my car.

Telling-off just what you need

THE RILKOFF FILES

Matt small

The main reason my two- year-old niece thinks I'm a dickhead is I forget about focus.

Do-it-yourself is a breeze

THE RILKOFF FILES

matt small

Logic informs an inquiring mind that thoughts are sequential things. But, in fact, in this instance, logic is an ass.

Halcyon summer of '83

RILKOFF FILES

matt small

Events, once set in motion, tend to build a frightening independence of momentum that makes the outcome impossible to predict.

Show me the honey

THE RILKOFF FILES

matt small

A man with a large amount of honey is a rich man. Not the type of rich that comes from amassing accounts full of dirty, sticky money.

Of maggots and men

THE RILKOFF FILES

Descartes got it wrong. Well, maybe that's a bit strong. Maybe he just didn't get it entirely right.

Oh, the bliss

THE RILKOFF FILES

matt small

After just four nights the core of my being knows its lot has improved almost immeasurably.

It's fine for some

THE RILKOFF FILES

matt small

There is a wealth of other evidence around yet nothing tells me with such accuracy a holiday is imminent than paying a $16 library fine.

Resolutions? Do us all a favour

THE RILKOFF FILES

matt small

Those New Year's resolutions that were going to change your life are already in tatters. Here's why.

Devil sandwich strikes with gusto

THE RILKOFF FILES

MATT RILKOFF - © Fairfax NZ News

With two days to go I had become complacent. I'll admit that. But who wouldn't be?

All I want for Christmas is . . .

THE RILKOFF FILES

Dear Mr Santa,

Considered response

THE RILKOFF FILES

matt small

It can sometimes happen. Some might argue it happens every week. It's Friday morning and I am without a clue about what to write an 850-word column on.

Awash with regret

THE RILKOFF FILES

matt small

After an affair of more than a decade, I am saying goodbye to my Finnish minx.

Tortilla translation

THE RILKOFF FILES

matt small

These days it's all about the tortilla. Tortilla is a Spanish word which I believe means round flat bread but could also translate to omelette or be what matadors shout when they finally skewer their bull.

More barbies

THE RILKOFF FILES

In three weeks I will have four barbecues. This is a lot, but hardly enough for what is promising to be a long, hot summer. Five or six would be better.

Thankfully it's not gout

THE RILKOFF FILES

The gout is back. I blame Google. Two years ago when my big toes first began to ache I punched my symptoms into the online search engine.

Death defying acts in the vege patch

THE RILKOFF FILES

It is already too late. I was born too early. Medical science will not advance enough to save me from myself before I die

A cranial kinship

THE RILKOFF FILES

matt small

Nothing will change it. It is set in bone. I must live my remaining days as I have lived those already past and that means just shutting up and coping with an unusually large head.

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