Santa, I don't want much

MATT RILKOFF
Last updated 10:56 22/12/2012

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The Rilkoff Files

What's in a picture? Well, quite a lot actually Skills thanks to angry mum Heat pump heaven My raincoat and me Masculinity masked by muesli and muffins A lasting affair for Suby and I coming to an end A telling-off can be just what you need Thinking about it, do-it-yourself is a breeze Bringing on back that halcyon Summer of '83 Show me the honey

Dear Santa, how are you? I am fine but enough with the pleasantries. Let's get down to tin-tacks. I think you will find that overall I have been fairly decent this year. Of the Ten Commandments there are three I haven't broken, which isn't too bad and certainly an improvement on the previous 12 months.

Let me start by saying I am aware of the labour difficulties you have faced this year with all the elves shifting to New Zealand for those Hobbit movies. I'm sure you are as disgusted as I am at their disloyalty but let this be of some comfort - there is no way Peter Jackson can ever replace you as my No 1 fat man. I love you Santa. Big time.

But we need to get a bit real. That pack of placard-waving union dickheads were bringing you down with their demands for an eight-hour day, paid lunch breaks and their constant moaning about the poor quality tea and coffee facilities. Everyone knows times are tough and, if you can save a few bucks by installing a second- rate Euroma instant drink machine that may or may not be responsible for a surge in sloppy bowel syndrome, well, you have just got to do it. It's all about dollars and sense. And look at it this way, now you have a legitimate excuse to outsource your entire operation to China.

On other matters, how is Mrs Claus? I sometimes worry she doesn't give you the support you need and I know she is behind this move for kids to leave you carrot sticks and beetroot juice for refreshments. Like you, I don't believe there is anything wrong with high blood pressure, diabetes and heart disease. In fact I don't even believe these things exist. That's why I'll be leaving you the usual pint of beer and whisky chaser and a pack of Benson and Hedges. You can even smoke these inside if you want, though I would appreciate if you didn't drop ash on the carpet like last year.

While I am on the subject of things left behind, I would consider it a great favour if you stop your reindeer from taking any relief breaks until they get to my place. Last year my neighbour got all their droppings in his front yard and ever since he's been lording it over me with his giant size tomatoes and exceptionally large snow peas. They really are a sight to behold and this has severely strained our neighbourly relations because, as you know, I like to think of myself as the best gardener on the block. But even I can't compete with reindeer poo, Santa.

The forecast for the 24th isn't great so I suggest Rudolph puts his nose on high beam. I think the cat is certainly out of the bag that his original redness was just a cross-mutated form of infectious bovine rhinotracheitis from his fling with that dairy cow back in 1972. We all know since antibiotics and counselling cleared up his little "problem", he has been using a red LED.

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With all that out of the way it's time to tell you what I want. Now, just in case you thought I had forgotten that horrible 1981 bicycle mixup, I think it is worth telling you I haven't. Sure, I liked the bouncy ball and the Jaffas a lot but how you'd think I'd be happy with them when you gave my cousin a BMX, I'll never know. You still owe me, Santa.

You can start by giving me an iPhone 5. I need this for work as the one I have right now is only half a step up from a paper cup with some string. Don't even bother telling me it's not your job to fill such gaps because I know, I really do. Just try telling old Missy Tight Pockets Gina Reinhart that. I've come up in goosebumps even contemplating it.

Along similar lines, I would like four new tyres for my Subaru. This might be a bit much to put in the stocking, so vouchers will do. Santa, it's well known you have an abhorrence of such gifts but I feel over the past 36 years we've developed a relationship that can withstand such practicalities.

Now that my house renovation job is largely finished, I won't be asking you for any power tools this year. However, should you find yourself with a spare drop saw or socket wrench set, they would find a welcome home with me. For about two hours. Then I would put them on Trade Me. I think you would agree there is nothing wrong with such behaviour and that way everyone gets what they want because, and don't take this personally, you so often seem to disregard all the carefully planned lists you are given. In fact it's so bad I sometimes wonder if you are actually a child-hating illiterate.

Yours sincerely, Matt.

- Taranaki Daily News

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