Online dating - post-divorce therapy

"Jane" needed post-divorce love therapy. She got it at online dating websites.  

Dating therapy? I'm sure all of you fellow divorcees know what I'm talking about.

However, for those still wondering, let me explain how my online-dating therapy worked, and perhaps my crazy adventures may remind you of your own healing journeys.

Like many freshly separated people, I was one of the walking wounded, with the self-esteem of a flea. I was encouraged to try online dating by a girlfriend who regularly had enormous bunches of roses, chocolates, lingerie and perfume delivered to her door by romantic suitors from all over the world.

All right, she's a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde, and I'm, well, not. But I needed to "get back into the game", or so I thought.

After a string of disappointing dates who looked very little like their profile photos, I decided to use online dating to expand my horizons and experiment in unknown territory. I began as "insecure and desperate", progressed through "flirtatious tease", "potential sugar-baby", "seductive Mrs Robinson", "mischievous prankster" to "serious seeker". Eventually I settled on "happy single".

The first place I tried was www.findsomeone.co.nz, a perfectly good site for internet virgins and serious seekers if you create the right profile.

In my photo, I was wearing a little red dress. Unfortunately, this attracted the wrong kind of attention, and one man even contacted me saying that he was "having a lot of fun manipulating my photo" and would I "give him permission to publish it on his website?"

I promptly took that photo off my profile, and subsequently received fewer messages. On the whole however, findsomeone was a reasonably respectable and conservative site.

I then tried www.nzdating.co.nz, which was more open minded and social. I didn't post a photo, but received many inquiring messages. It was on this site that I became more adventurous.

After receiving a few messages from much younger men, I decided that I would date a lad Mrs Robinson-style.

In my previous relationships, and my marriage, I had been a sexually submissive woman, and I theorised that perhaps with a younger partner I could unleash a more dominant side.

Unfortunately, my young date had a nervous laugh and I found myself not wanting to offend his lack of experience by saying, "do it like this" or "do that". Turns out I prefer men not boys.

This led me to a man profiling himself as a "sugar daddy". Although I wasn't young enough to be his sugar baby, I began chatting with this unusually handsome and articulate chap.

I found myself being more forthright with him as I found my mojo and left my insecure self behind.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be insecure. He continuously post-poned dates until I gave up on meeting him.

Chatting online and flirting was great for my self-esteem, as I could be as bold as brass and not even have to meet anyone in person if I didn't want.

Meanwhile, the girlfriend who got me into online dating also got me into mischief. She had been dating someone for a couple of months and wanted to see where she stood. He still had his profile online and asked me to message him and see if he would date me. Don't try this.

We arranged to have coffee, but instead of me turning up at the cafe, my friend arrived instead.

You can imagine the trouble. Mind you, on a similar, but more transparent occasion, I scored a ride in a Ferrari with one of her suitors, so it wasn't all bad.

I quickly lost interest, however, when he began joking about threesomes.

After these dates, and a few other unmentionables, I was well on my way to becoming a more assertive, adventurous, self-confident woman the kind I remembered that I once was so many moons ago.

As karma would have it, I then began attracting insecure, desperate men. One of them left several messages sobbing into my telephone after I declared those dreaded words, "There's no spark for me". This was after only a few dates and not even a kiss.

Then there was the man who assumed that I wanted to hook up for sex when my profile said I was "looking for seriously good coffee". Apparently for some on nzdating, "coffee" is synonymous with sex.

Thankfully, my son fell ill and the babysitter called me home.

Yes, online dating can be great therapy for both sexes.

Thanks to my crazy adventures and fearless online experimentation, I'm now happy to be single offline.

No doubt the internet will beckon again. When that day comes, I will be in a much better position to weed out the wannabes, the desperate and those who send photos of their apparatus.

Thanks to online-dating therapy, I now know myself better, like myself better, and know what kind of man I want to meet.

Sugar-daddy: I'm still available ;-)

* Names in this story have been changed to prompt honesty.

- © Fairfax NZ News