First off, I should make clear that the iPhone 5 is a great, even amazing phone. Though it is likely I will not have touched one yet, I will write as if I had, and describe its lightness and professional feel. This should hopefully keep my cred with the Apple fanboys intact.
Next, however, after going into a new paragraph, I will describe it as a boring iteration. A touch of upgrade on an already great phone. Apple used to be the absolute best, I will stress, now they are just really good. The larger screen is lovely, but I'm used to gigantum screen on my Samsung Galaxy SIII, which I will also claim to own. I will make a point of noting that Apple is playing catch-up on screen size, rather than innovating. I will bemoan the lack of NFC, as I know that Apple are the only ones who could get serious NFC infrastructure built. Sure, the iPhone 5 is gorgeous, I will concede, but it looks just like a 4S!
If I'm smart I will work in a paragraph about the difficulty of improving something that is already incredible, but I will then write on as if this paragraph didn't exist.
Now I will write about how nearly every detail of the phone leaked, and somehow blame Apple for that, after printing these same leaks. There was no surprise! Tim Cook is not a showman! I will probably talk about the new Nokia around here. Next I will talk about specs which 98 per cent of consumers will not care about, and compare the iPhone unfavourably to a few rivals. I will not mention apps or Apple's branding, but instead assume that the public are all educated consumers buying what is best for their budgets and needs. I will definitely not mention which platform developers prefer to develop for.
I might make a somewhat convoluted call about this being the beginning of the end of Apple's smartphone dominance here. While I will heavily suggest that this is the case, I will not quite fully support either side of the argument, in case my words get used against me in three years by MG Siegler. I may make a mention of the Samsung v Apple case, but only if it fits my narrative. After all that, I will still begrudgingly give the iPhone 5 top marks, but will suggest that it might not be worth the upgrade.
[Just a note, I'm no Apple fanboy, I just loved seeing everyone complain about what they agreed was an amazing phone.]