Keep tabs on your kids online

BY ARJUN RAMACHANDRAN

Parents should not shy away from using tools like Google Alerts to track their children's online lives, but traditional parenting is still the key to understanding the dangers they face, a child psychologist says.

Setting clear boundaries, having open communication and taking an interest in children's lives are still fundamental to protecting them from perils such as cyberbullying, drugs and depression, says adolescent psychologist Michael Carr-Gregg.

His advice comes as the consequence of parents losing touch with their children was highlighted by the death of 17-year-old Allem Halkic, who took his own life in February after being bullied online.

Allem's father Ali said on Australian TV this week that his son had "three lives".

"He had his life as a child to ... [his] family and friends. Then he had his social structure with his friends ... and the parties and the nightlife and all these type of things.

"We had that covered as a family. But the third one and the one that finally took my son's life was this imaginary world where you interact with 10-15 people.

"But, we seriously failed as parents on that one, seriously."

The couple are now committed to raising awareness of bullying among parents and children.

Dr Carr-Gregg said it was not unusual for parents to be in the dark about their children's online lives, but parents needed to be more assertive.

"Almost 80 per cent of kids who get cyberbullying messages or porn pop-ups don't report them.

"But the fundamental issue is mums and dads never check it out. They buy the two lines: 'What I do online is private - you wouldn't read my diary would you?' and 'I have a right to be online'."

"We have to get it through to mums and dads that letting kids go online without rules is almost as irresponsible as dropping kids off at the red-light district in Amsterdam and then walking away.

"It's an old problem, basic parenting of setting limits, that is just manifesting itself online."

Dr Carr-Gregg suggested the use of "contracts", where parents and children agreed to acceptable conduct.

"So everyone has a say about how you use MSN or social networking sites, but parents outline what the safety guidelines are," he said.

Boundary-setting by parents had to begin from an early age, Dr Carr-Gregg said.

"This is about developmental psychology, understanding children's brains are a work in progress, and they need limits and boundaries and your job is to set them.

"If your aim is just to be their best friend, you are cactus.

"It's incumbent to set limits on things that matter - sex, drugs, alcohol, sleep, what you can eat.

"These are fundamental non-negotiables [for example]: 'We are not talking about when you are going to bed'."

Getting children to speak about their personal lives was influence heavily by the strength of a parent and child's relationship, Dr Carr-Gregg said.

"Right from the start you should know their friends, drive them to their favourite activities, take an interest. Kids will respond."

Parents also had to know their child's personality and not always be "in their faces" for every new hobby or interest they picked up.

"Know the psychology of your child, know they hang out with kids that are good kids, have a history of making good choices."

For parents who did not have a close relationship with their children who were now already teens, but who were concerned at hearing of experiences like the Halkics, Dr Carr-Gregg recommended honesty.

Dr Carr-Gregg said parents should also not be afraid to use internet monitoring tools to keep track of their child's online lives.

"Every parent should put a Google alert on a child's name.

"I think it has to be explained at an early age why you're doing it, but that it has to be done because it's a safety issue."

Parents should not think that technology will only lead to a loss of control of discipline, he said.

"The technology also gives a brilliant thing to take away. Take the modem to the supermarket or don't give them credit on the mobile," he said.

Other dos and don'ts:

* Never "character assassinate" and attack your child personally. Say "I love you but can't stand your behaviour".

* Lighten up a bit.

* Don't comment and criticise everything; choose your battlegrounds.

* Don't aim to be your child's best friend. Your job is to set strict limits.

* Try to connect with your child on a daily basis. eg. after getting up in the morning, after returning home from work, and before going to bed.

- Western Australia Today