Gaming - the year that was

By JAMES CULLINANE - Gameplanet.co.nz

Ever had that feeling that the year just passed you by? We've prepared a quick refresher with fifty games released this year that you probably should have heard of, and what we thought of them.

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand
The sequel to the game that should never have been made. This time out, Fiddy is shooting up the criminal denizens of a war-torn country to retrieve a blingin' diamond skull - the dowry for a sold-out concert. The perfect Christmas present for anyone who still can't put their cap on straight. (our score: 7.5/10)

Aion
NCSoft's Western-friendly swords and sorcery MMO ticks the all same selling points as a feminine hygiene product: Absorbency, padding and the inclusion of wings. But pretty packaging can't disguise the fact that there's still lots of uncomfortable grinding going on. (our score: 9.0/10)

Anno 1404
The nation's community of historical military trading, action and economy simulation gamers rate this one highly. All three of them. (our score: 9.0/10)

ArmA II
A tactical first and third person shooter wherein you command a squad of US soldiers performing their default function: spreading democracy at gunpoint in countries that have oil. ArmA II is great way to experience being shot in the head without becoming a jock at an American high school.
 
Assassin's Creed II
An indulgent stealth killer sequel set in a beautifully-crafted renaissance sandbox, even if the game's controls are a little too enthusiastic. Assisted by Leonardo Da Vinci, protagonist Ezio slowly uncovers a regrettable gutter-fiction plot that reads like it was written by Dan Brown's poor cousin, Reggie Brown. (our score: 9.0/10)

Batman: Arkham Asylum
Arkham Asylum has received more positive press than can reasonably be displayed in any one spinning newspaper. A grim and gritty action title with stealth elements, Arkham Asylum replaces WHAM! and POW! with more sickening bone-snapping sounds. The game batman fans have waited patiently for - now who looks ridiculous for wearing a replica utility belt to your family function, Hannah? (our score: 8.5/10)

Battlefield 1943
DICE's revered WW2 team shooter receives an update and is transplanted to consoles. "As close as you'll get" to World War 2, we brazenly suggested. We've since had to retract that statement after the veterans at the local RSA assured us that there was no one called BongMonkey69 on Wake Island. (our score: 9.0/10)
 
The Beatles: Rock Band
Another format to own the White Album on. Also an entertaining way to re-live the phenomenon - unless you play with friends who force you to be George. (our score: 9.0/10)

Borderlands
Even Andy Warhol would have to blush at the volume of replicated art assets in Borderlands. By the time you've reached this FPS loot crawler's "vault", negotiated the fleshy lump that guards it and cracked a bad joke about "paging Dr. Freud" it's all so much Campbell's Soup. (our score: 8.5/10)

Brütal Legend
Like a girl called Lola on K Road, Tim Schafer's latest has a surprise waiting for you when you get it home. Schafer assures us it's an action adventure set in a heavy metal fantasy land, but to us, it's a real-time strategy that tastes just like cherry cola. All said, a great soundtrack not loud enough to drown out Jack Black. (our score: 9.0/10)

Call of Jaurez: Bound in Blood
This Wild West shooter's singleplayer has all the charm and technical dexterity of a brimming tobacco spittoon. One can only salute Techland's self-deprecating effort to code tumbleweeds into the multiplayer. (our score: 8.0/10)
 
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
Bobby can't read the tiny print on your boycott petitions from the top of Mount Kotick - a lofty summit composed of the monetary likeness of Benjamin Franklin. Of course you could climb up there and give him a closer look at it, but you're probably too busy playing his game. (our score: 9.5/10 console 7/10 PC)

DJ Hero
The first David Guetta simulation. Will it be the last? We can but hope. Of all the games that set out to emulate tasks we've never actually wanted to do, DJ Hero is one of the best. (our score: 8.5/10)

Dragon Age: Origins
An expansive RPG from past masters BioWare, the game also happens to feature more outdoor sex in bizarre costumes than a Burning Man festival. (our score: 9.0/10)
 
Empire: Total War
The Creative Assembly's latest Total War instalment winds the clock forward to a time when rebellion and dysentery swept the world in equal measure. In keeping with that theme, the jury is still out as to whether this game is the most revolutionary of the series, or just the crappiest. (our score: 9.5/10)

EyePet
Sony's camera-operated virtual pet simulator ships in a cardboard box, something that will come in handy when you need to discreetly deposit the remains in your neighbour's garbage bin before the kids wake up.

Farmville
The browser game with the name that sounds like something your rustic cousin just deleted from his internet history. Even the game's recent pilfering of players' money is unlikely to stop the wearisome torrent of facebook status updates from people you haven't spoken with since High School informing you they've just found a lonely cow.

FIFA 10
The proverbial ginger stepchild of every Kiwi gamer's catalogue: You try not to talk about it and you hide it when your friends come over. But after the sun has gone down and you've pulled the curtains, locked the doors and opened its evening can of cat food, you'll struggle not to be charmed by its technical improvements. (our score: 9.0/10)

Forza Motorsport 3
Microsoft's latest appeal to the same curious demographic that will slap skirts, a spoiler and a fusion audio sticker on their mother's Toyota Emina. Forza motorsport is a multi-million dollar tour-de-force that currently claims the top of the podium in the racing game stakes. Your move, Sony. (our score: 9.5/10)

FUEL
A post-apocalyptic racer to coincide with the release of Lynyrd Skynyrd's 2009 album, God & Guns. Be sure to prepare a plate of mayonnaise sandwiches before you sit down to play: FUEL boasts the largest virtual world yet created. Unfortunately, you'll soon discover its collection of vehicles all handle just like your double-wide trailer. (our score: 5.0/10)

Ghostbusters: The Video Game
The video game addition to the iconic '80s franchise was widely hoped to leave ectoplasmic residue in the seat of many a gamer's pants. Instead, they received a slimer: Terminal Reality and Threewave Software crossed the streams and not even the comedic stylings of Bill Murray can save them. (our score: 7.0/10)

The Godfather II
Sequels have been a central theme in gaming in 2009. So have adaptations, for that matter. For those reasons, The Godfather II must have looked great on paper. Unfortunately, Visceral Games' reimagining of Coppola's mafia epic is anything but. This trivial title suffers from poor AI and numerous bugs. Bada-bing, bada-boom, bada-bargain bin. (our score: 6.5/10)

Grand Theft Auto: Tales From Liberty City
Being "The Lost and Damned" and "The Ballad of Gay Tony". Buyer beware: The latter is more Tony Veitch than Elton John. A nod to Rockstar who have finally realised that when we purchase an ultra-violent sandbox game, we don't care to spend hours entertaining our annoying relatives by participating in a series of trivial social activities. We have summer holidays for that. (our score: 9.0/10)

Guitar Hero 5
Guitar Hero 5 sits at the top of the band genre. Guitar Hero 6 should see Activision replacing the drum kit with a dead horse. (our score: 8.5/10)

Halo: ODST
The series that took FPS LANs out of the AV Club and into the Frat house is back again. If you know more than nine synonyms for male genitalia, you'll love this. Players assume the role of an Orbital Drop Shock Trooper as the alien Covenant invade earth. ODST is more of the same, and for fans of the series that seems to be enough. But the day that Bungie has to take the Walk of Shame from Keg-Master Brad's dorm room may be fast approaching. (our score: 8.5/10)

InFamous
An action title set in a citywide sandbox. You play as Cole, a lightning-infused courier boy out to exact revenge on the very people who made him more than human. Where Cole can jump across town with electricity at his fingertips, us mortals must continue to use cattle prods to negotiate the city's unwashed greenpeace petitioners. (our score: 8.5/10)

Killzone 2
PlayStation's popular first-person shooter with a plot so addled and emaciated it's a wonder that it hasn't yet flashed its crotch stepping out of a chauffeured limousine on Hollywood Boulevard. (our score: 9.0/10)

Left 4 Dead 2
A fresh cast of unlikely zombie-apocalypse survivors tote more guns and shoot more living dead on more maps. Extraordinarily, Left 4 Dead 2 is the only place where hitting a clown in the face with a cricket bat is met with widespread approval. (our score: 9.0/10)

Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2
A new creative team puts forward a passable if uninspired sequel that may have you wishing you left this roaming beat 'em up in its original packaging. (our score: 6.5/10)

Mirror's Edge
The PC release of the violent courier simulation without the black stubbies and a van sporting rims bought at The Warehouse. It's less fun than being an actual courier and probably less violent. (our score: 8.0/10)

Operation Flashpoint: Dragon Rising
A great way to keep the members of your militia battle-ready without having to leave the comfort of your fortified compound in the Urewera mountains. (our score: 7.0/10)

Overlord II
Overlord II casts you as a brutish thug in a world populated by emasculated fairies and foppish Lords. In doing so, it's the only game that recreates the experience of being an American in Europe. (our score: 8.5/10)
 
Prototype
An action title set in a citywide sandbox. You play as Alex, a spike-infused human guinea pig out to exact revenge on everyone. Where Alex can fly around town with spikes for fingertips, us mortals must continue to use bear-grade MACE to negotiate the city's unwashed buskers. (our score: 8.5/10)

Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time
Sony's wholesome duo has hooked more kids than Joe Camel. A Crack in Time is an appropriate summary to a longstanding franchise, but scepticism leaves us with little hope that Insomniac won't rustle their poster boys into the milking shed once more. (our score: 8.0/10)

Resident Evil 5
The progenitor of the survival horror genre turns zombie gallery shooter. The game explores the unlikely premise of an African country beset by a deadly and infectious virus. It's not that Capcom's methods are unsound; we just wonder what happened to the horror. (our score: 8.5/10)
 
Red Faction: Guerrilla
Red Faction: Guerrilla casts you as a Mars colonist leading a resistance movement against an oppressive occupation by Earth. You're presented with a sledgehammer and a destructible environment but you're slapped on the wrist every time you deign to use it. It's an instinctive conundrum replayed every day in boarding school dormitories across the country. (our score: 8.0/10)

The Sims 3
The latest version of the game that simulates what you'd be doing if you weren't playing it. In it, you're an invisible puppet master that doles out pleasure and punishment to the members of a virtual gated community. Inevitably, your disillusion in the Sim's dreary lives will see you assuming the role of Jigsaw, of the Saw films fame. Incidentally, it does a better job of it than Saw's latest game adaptation. (our score: 9.0/10)

Skate 2
Skate 2 doesn't come recommended by Tony Hawk, something that now amounts to an ironic endorsement. But between poor skater AI and a convoluted litter physics engine, Skate 2 comes off the rail mid-grind. True to life, the result will leave you crumpled, sobbing and clutching your unmentionables as your friends laugh at you. (our score: 9.0/10)
 
Street Fighter IV
Light punch, light punch, forward, light kick, eject. (our score: 9.0/10)

Super Mario Bros. Wii
Nintendo's side-scrolling classic makes its Wii debut. One of the few occasions on which you'll happily leave your small child alone with two moustached men in overalls. (our score: 8.5/10)

Tekken 6
The sixth iteration of the arcade fighter makes its first appearance on a Microsoft console. Find out why PlayStation 3 owners have been playing with Wang all these years. Yes, a weak punchline that's been used many times before - but we might add that's ironically appropriate. (our score: 8.0/10)

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10
The latest videogame simulation of the sport that anyone can play. No word yet as to when we can expect an expansion that puts you behind the wheel of an SUV as a screaming Elin Nordegren stoves in your rear window with a five iron. (our score: 9.0/10)

Torchlight
If it looks like Diablo, sounds like Diablo and plays like Diablo, it must be Torchlight - a game that has successfully created a new sub-genre: The small basement crawler. In fairness, many of the team behind this brief if enjoyable title are escapees from Blizzard. It's a shame they couldn't convince any of the writers to come with them.

Trine
A side-scrolling adventure game, you play as an amorphous body containing a thief, a knight and a wizard. Possibly the only three-way you'll happily walk away from.

Tropico 3
Casting you as "El Presidante" of a Caribbean banana republic, this nation-builder is currently the best Castro simulation on the market - with the possible exception of Milton Bradley's Operation.
 
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
An action adventure sequel in the thematic vein of Indiana Jones and Lara Croft. Hero Nate jumps from one ledge to the next trying to discover what happened to Marco Polo's lost fleet. This game has received universal acclaim, but we'd hasten to add that "dressed up platformer" can also describe a tween. (our score: 9.5/10)

Velvet Assassin
A WW2 stealther wherein you adopt the role of Violet Summer, a leather-clad adaptation the real British agent Violet Szabo. Like Szabo, Summer is trained in combat, evasion and explosives. Unlike Szabo, Summer displays a familiarity with eyeliner and knives more often found in the front row of a My Chemical Romance concert.

Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War II
The second adaptation of the tabletop wargaming franchise universally adored by 35 year old men with ponytails. A futuristic real-time strategy title with RPG item and levelling elements, Dawn of War II will have you so engrossed that mother's baked bean mini-pizzas are sure to go cold outside the garage door. (our score: 7.5/10)

WET
WET features a damp imitation of Tarantino's visual aesthetic but even its granular 8mm overlay can't disguise that this QTE-ridden game is more Inglorious Basterds than Reservoir Dogs. Do you know what they call a disappointment in France? (our score: 6.0/10)

Wolfenstein
This satanic Nazi shooter's four development studios have produced an appropriately cliché-ridden, if lukewarm reimagining of a veteran series. Testament to why design by committee is best left to quilting circles. (our score: 7.0/10)

- Gameplanet.co.nz